In Miami, we learn quickly that sometimes it's easier to just let things go and move on. For example, which of these two thoughts sounds better to you?
Hey, why is that guy holding an alligator in one hand and a machete in the other? Better go investigate! Or: Hey, is that guy holding an alligator in one hand and a machete in the other? Better mind my business and walk faster.
If you went with option number two, congratulations. You're on your way to achieving a proper Miami mindset. If you went with option number one, you're probably reading this from Mount Sinai and we wish you a speedy recover. But while your stitches heal, check out ten more bizarre and uncomfortable things people from Miami prefer not to spend too much time dwelling upon.
1. Invasive species. Lizards, peacocks, pythons—whatever, bro. As long as they don’t poop on my Honda, we’re good.
2. Ocean Drive. Ever wonder what happens when you give tourists margaritas the size of small children and encourage them to wear as little clothing as possible? We have.
3. DJ Khaled. Please stop asking us to explain him. We stopped trying a long time ago.
4. Going out at 3am. We don’t know how we got to this point. And we don’t know how to bring back bed time.
5. Every tourist with a credit card driving rental Lamborghinis. Wow, nice car that’s totally yours and definitely not a loaner. You’re for sure getting into LIV tonight.
6. Very aggressive Uber drivers. One time, during Art Basel, my Uber driver drove in the opposite lane for a solid mile and, you know what? He got 5 stars.
7. Instagram models. It’s an occupation as acceptable as being an account in Miami.
8. Sneaking into pools. Biltmore, Fontainebleau, Delano and more. Sadly, the best pools in this city are off limits to locals. But when it comes time to act like a tourist, suddenly we’re all Daniel Day-Lewis.
9. The Marlins. What an odd baseball team, but—hey— one time I got two tickets for 25 cents and a half-eaten pastelito.
10. That we’re all slowly sinking. Sea-level rise and severe flooding in Miami Beach? Sounds scary. Let’s just not think about it until we’re all treading water!
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