Living in Miami means that, at any given time, you’re only an arm’s length away from a nervous breakdown. And all the free Bayfront Park yoga in the world can’t save you from the crushing moments of anxiety we all face now and then. Zen and breathing exercises are no match for certain situations and, when the following things happen, we look up and pray for something strong to fall from the sky and into our mouths.
1. When you see miles of brake lights after you just dropped $8 to hop on the express lane. That’s like buying a VIP table only to learn the table is made out of cobras and the club is actually a dentist’s office.
2. When you, hungover and starving, round the corner to see the Publix sub line is snaking all the way to the damn zucchini. Your chicken tender sub will be ready in early 2019.
3. The 15 minutes between searching for your credit card and realizing you left a tab open somewhere in Wynwood. Don’t worry, there’s only, like, eight bars where it could be.
4. When it’s Cuban night but the plantain you bought two weeks ago is a stubborn little demon that refuses to brown. Awesome, you found the Benjamin Button of plantains.
5. When you wonder why your Uber is getting on the highway before realizing you accidentally entered Dania Beach's “Grampa’s Bakery” as your destination instead of “Gramps.” This one may or may not have happened to this sloppy writer. More than once.
6. Art Basel. Enough said.
7. When you decide to take Biscayne unaware that there’s a Heat game, concert at Bayfront Park and elderly pride parade all ending at the same time. Hope you’re happy with the scenic route, because you’ll be drinking in those views for the next four hours.
8. When you drove all the way to Homestead only to find out Knaus Berry Farm is out of cinnamon rolls. Oh, I just missed the last batch? And all you have left is one bruised strawberry? What’s that? My nose? It’s bleeding?
9. Ordering from the South Beach La Sandwicherie at 3am. Somebody get those crazy Frenchmen some vibrating pagers and an orderly line. Merci.
10. When the conniving empanada lied to you, and turns out to be filled with spinach instead of delicious beef, as was promised. Can you sue a meat pastry? Only one way to find out.
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