By now you’ve probably heard the news: Pitbull has joined one of the three teams of investors interested in buying our beloved but troubled Miami Marlins.
This is excellent news.
While our little baseball team has often found itself the butt of MLB jokes thanks to dismal attendance and a penchant for losing, there is literally no one more equipped to rescue the Marlins from the cold grip of obscurity than Pitbull—no one more versed in the art of taking things from negative to positive.
Here’s why you should be rooting for Pitbull to win the bidding war.
1. No more baggy uniforms. Starting immediately, everybody will be issued an extra-slim-cut jersey that will hug the curves of the male physique ever so gently while still allowing space for fist-pumping (and swinging).
2. Dugouts will come with a VIP section. President Pitbull will turn our dugouts from chewing tobacco-stained pits of sweat and burps into ultra luxurious, super-premier VIP spaces with bottle service and only the best soundtrack—featuring a steady rotation of Pitbull (obviously), Chainsmokers deep cuts and “La Vida Es Un Carnival” by Celia Cruz.
3. The very small chance that maybe Pitbull will make an appearance as a designated hitter. Can you imagine? Pitbull steps up to home plate. He points for the fences. Grand slam. World peace ensues.
4. No more "Take Me Out to the Ball Game.” This awful, boring song traditionally sung in the seventh inning of baseball games to entertain children coming down from sugar highs will be swapped with something sexy that will both get the crowd amped and earn the Marlins some extra dough by mentioning a name brand alcohol in each verse.
5. Team morale would soar. Can you imagine a pregame speech from Pitbull? Are you shaking with adrenaline just thinking about it?
6. Foul balls will become “Dale balls.” And if you catch one you get a jet ski.
7. People would actually show up. If you knew there was, like, a 5 percent chance that Pitbull would show up at a certain place, you’d be a lot more likely to go to that place. There's a guy who hangs out at the Lincoln Road H&M five days a week just on the off chance Pitbull shows up to buy a new pair of white pants.
8. Bunting would be illegal. There’s no bunting allowed on Pitbull’s team, darnit! You swing for the fences, every time, because you believe in yourself and that's what winners do.
9. All the stars would demand to be traded to Miami. Bryce Harper, Clayton Kershaw—you can’t tell me these guys don’t want a little Pit in their life.
10. We would win the World Series. One thing has been true in Miami since January 15, 1981: Armando Christian Pérez does not lose. And when you become part of the Pitbull family, you become a winner too.
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