Oh, single women of Miami. You have had to put up with some serious nonsense over the years. From catcalling douches to creepy club guys who, for some reason, assume you'll be just fine with their unsolicited grinding.
It's not that there are no nice guys in this city. It's just that you have to thwack your way through gold chains and cologne-infused chest hair to find them. Because of that, your bullshit-detector needs to be sharp—especially if you're being sweet-talked with one of these blatant lies.
1. It’s not a rental. What? This lime green Lamborghini with plastic covering the seats? Totally mine, girl.
2. Want to come back with us? My boy and I are staying at the Fontainebleau… The last part of the sentence he conveniently left out: …lobby until they kick us out.
3. I’m friends with the DJ. He can totally get us VIP. Don’t overplay the fact that you took one CrossFit class with Axwell & Ingrosso’s manager’s brother’s podiatrist. It won’t be fun to explain to your date when the bouncer literally laughs at you.
4. I’ve been in some movies down here. Man, you were an extra on Burn Notice once. And you played a corpse lying face-down.
5. Come through, girl, it’s lit! It’s not lit. He and his roommates are drinking Ciroc Red Berry and playing FIFA ’13. They also only have one controller, so they have to take turns.
6. Yeah, I’ve shown some work at Art Basel. This is one you’ve probably heard from a pickup artist on the sidewalk of Wynwood—the one with the paint-splattered jeans and can of spray paint in his back pocket. Unfortunately, his “Basel show” was probably just him tagging a dumpster near the Convention Center.
7. Yeah, I can salsa a little. Gringos tend to use this one, and then instantly regret it when they end up looking like a broken Fidget Spinner at Ball & Chain.
8. I went to school with Pitbull. Do not accept this without yearbook evidence.
9. I’m a member at the Soho Beach House. I’ll take you some time. Translation: I’ve figured out a way to sneak into the Soho Beach House. We’ll probably get arrested.
10. Do you want to be in a music video? For Ross? Khaled? No. It’s for Lil' Trent, his friend with a grand total of seven SoundCloud listens. Also, do you have a camera they can borrow?
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