Miami, how often does this happen to you: You’re all jazzed up for a big Saturday night. You’ve got the perfect outfit on, just the right amount of Mango Pineapple Svedka sliding through your system and the Uber is on its way. But then you get a text. The babysitter has to cancel. Some nonsense about a severe allergic reaction to a Publix shrimp cocktail. You sigh and pop a squat on your ottoman.
Night. Ruined.
Kids, man. They’re great! Don’t get us wrong. But surely we can all agree that the little tikes put a serious dent in our partying. Or at least they used to. Because now you can have your cake and eat it too. The Miami club that does it all is about to do even more. E11even will now watch your kids when you party.
That’s right. E11even, the 24/7 Downtown party paradise, is opening up a daycare for partying parents. The “V.I.Pre-K,” as it’s being called, will be a highly curated, state-of-the-art sensory playground. Upon entry, your child will be led to his or her very own heated bean bag chair, where they can choose from an array of services. There is, naturally, bottle service for those young enough to literally still drink out of a bottle. Finger foods include foie gras nuggets ($95), caviar-topped pudding ($275) and Lunchables that will be assembled tableside by none other than everyone’s favorite DJ Irie.
When your child is nice and comfy, they will be ushered to the sweet land of sleep by E11even’s very own DJ Nap Time, one of only a handful of nap-focused DJs in the world. DJ Nap Time spins a special blend of chillwave and Chainsmokers tracks that have been slowed by 7,000 percent until they resemble the nocturnal calls of a humpback whale.
When mommy and daddy have finally had enough, they can meet their rejuvenated tot at the V.I.Pre-K’s special entrance, where their child will be passed to them in a sound-proof box to ensure they remain sound asleep the whole ride home. The entire package only costs $15,000 (not including tax) and can be yours just as soon as you sign a small mountain of paperwork promising you won't sue anybody if your child somehow escapes and ends up at the Corner.
Happy April Fools' Day!
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