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America has Six Flags, Germany has Europa-Park, Holland has Efteling. We Brits, though, can lay claim to the classiest theme park of the lot: Staffordshire’s legendary 500-acre estate, now 46 years old and as sprightly as ever. Two thirds adrenaline rush, one third zen haven, Alton Towers feels like a speed freak has seized control of a National Trust property. In a good way. Of course, you can just hop on the Sky Ride and skip right past all those manicured lawns, pagodas, and woodland walks, and pile straight onto the dystopian-themed The Smiler, the world's first 14-loop rollercoaster, or Oblivion, with its sheer drop providing the chance to play chicken with your lunch. But the picturesque landscaping and sense of history – the 19th century mansion house was once home to the Earls of Shrewsbury – really elevates the experience when you’re not travelling at 50mph upside down. The food has levelled up too – at least for the summer, where street food stalls next to the lake (try the bao buns or Argentinian asado) provide adventurous alternatives to the hotdogs, burgers and pizza. The app is helpful for up-to-date ride queue times and has a handy interactive map.
Sure, there’s still room for improvement: World of David Walliams feels like an atomic test site – Gangsta Granny: The Ride is clearly losing the battle of the nannas against the delightful new family coaster Bluey the Ride: Here Come the Grannies! – and the 18-hole minigolf course needs a little love. But there’s so much here, the day will pass in a happy blur. My nine-year-old and I stumbled off the folklore-riffing rollercoaster The Wicker Man, a stellar addition to the park since 2018, and into the Sea Life aquarium to recover amid the reef sharks and clownfish. Our favourite, though? Th13teen, a rollercoaster zip through a spooky forest that packs a twist in the tale. An old classic in a theme park that’s eternally youthful.
Top Ride: Nemesis Reborn
Given a snazzy reboot in 2024, the reimagined Nemesis draws the biggest lines for a reason. It’s 80 seconds of helter-skelter mayhem with two corkscrews, a zero-g roll and a vertical loop. For planning reasons, Alton Towers can’t build its rollercoasters above the treeline, but this feat of engineering turns a hindrance into a triumph: with its sudden dips through ravines and waterfalls, it’s like speed racing through Mordor.
Don’t want to go home?
A night or two in the main hotel, Alton Towers, is an investment worth making. The spirit of the park extends into the steampunk and kid-friendly themed rooms, but it’s also mellow spot for the grown-ups to process all that adrenaline, and the staff are unfailing helpful. A corridor will carry you to Splash Landings, another hotel option that’s home to the resort’s water park, with its indoor watercoaster and outdoor flumes. (It gets busy, so pick your moment.) Book for dinner when the park is busy, and adults should prepare to spend £30/head on the buffet. But the biggest advantage of staying over is being allowed early park entry for 9.30am. The rides start at 10am so, queue-wise, you’ll get the first one on the house.