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2016 Iowa Caucuses: The drinking game
Photograph: Courtesy CC/Flickr/Marc Nozell

2016 Iowa Caucuses: The drinking game

By Clayton Guse

The Iowa Caucuses have finally arrived! 

After more than a year of speculation, debating and name-calling, voters in Iowa will be the first in the country to choose which candidate they'd like to be president. The caucuses have huge implications on who ends up getting their party's nomination—George W. Bush and Barack Obama both won Iowa in 2000 and 2008, respectively. 

Before we get down to the important business of how you can turn this momentous political occasion into an excuse to get your booze on, we should explain a little about how this whole thing works.

The Iowa Caucuses aren't anything like your conventional election. Instead of punching a ballot in a booth, voters congregate in a community area such as an auditorium or gymnasium. On the Democratic side, voters physically group themselves by which candidate they support, and the one with the least supporters is eliminated. The backers of each eliminated candidate then join the group of their next-favorite candidate, and that process continues until a single candidate remains.

The GOP does the dance a bit differently. Rather than publicly showing support candidate, Republicans cast secret ballots on slips of paper that get collected and tallied statewide, and then they call it a day. 

In an effort to make the caucuses more exciting for everyone tuning in, we've put together a fun drinking game for anyone who's watching the broadcast tonight. It kicks off at 7pm Central time, so be sure to hit your local liquor store before then. If you're a Democrat, we recommend picking up a bottle of tequila and a case of PBR, because you support immigration and the working class. If you're a Republican, consider picking up a fifth of whiskey and a pack of Sam Adams, because, you know, 'murica. 

If you're going to play this specific version, you'll also need to have some absinthe and grain alcohol on hand. Be careful, though. This game isn't for the weak of stomach. If the evening starts to get too saucy, switch to water or soda and carry on. 

Time Out's official 2016 Iowa Caucuses drinking game rules

Drink... Every time a commentator explains how the caucuses work. If this happens more than once in a 10-minute window, finish your drink. 

Drink... A shot any time the phrase "So goes Iowa, so goes the nation" is uttered or appears on the screen.

Drink... Whenever you see a some B-roll of a corn field. 

Drink... Any time a commentator says "Middle America," "The Heartland" or "Midwestern values."

Drink... A shot of grain alcohol any time ISIS is referenced. 

Drink... If a commentator compares Bernie Sanders to Larry David. Then finish your drink and turn on Seinfeld.

Drink... All of your drink whenever Ted Cruz is caught on camera failing to connect with a child.

Drink... An exhausted sip whenever a commentator says the phrase "voter turnout."

Drink... A shot and call your libertarian uncle whenever the topic of gun control is brought up.

Drink... A shot of absinthe if a commentator makes a comparison between the caucuses and Game of Thrones. Drink two shots if they sound like they actually watch the show. 

Drink... After any reference to Hillary Clinton's loss to President Obama in the 2008 Iowa caucus.

Drink... Two shots of grain alcohol every time Sarah Palin says something that suggests that she just finished two shots of the stuff herself. 

Drink... And call your mother if a commentator accidentally says "cock" instead of "caucus."

Drink... Any time an anchor can't figure out how to work the interactive voting map. 

Drink... Three shots of whatever's left (and strongly consider running for office yourself) if Martin O'Malley somehow wins on the Democratic side.

Stop drinking immediately... Sober up and try to figure what the hell is going on with the country if Trump wins on the Republican side.

Best of luck, America. We have a long election season ahead of us—hopefully our game makes it a bit less painful. 

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