Okay, after some internal struggle, you have accepted that Broadway is big enough to accommodate both An American in Paris and Something Rotten! You've alienated workplace colleagues with incessant talk of how British director Stephen Daldry should be nominated for The Audience as well as Skylight. You’ve had sleepless nights debating if the gold should go to Kelli or Kristin. And for your weekly Spin class, you use a shuffle mix of On the Town, Fun Home and On the Twentieth Century. You’ve invited all your Tony-obsessed friends to see the broadcast, regularly checking the Time Out New York Twitter feed for witty observations.
What's left but to drink? Following are rules for getting royally sloshed on Tony night, which is one guaranteed way of enjoying it.
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Round one (8–9pm):
• Take a polite drink every time there's a celebrity presenter who was on Broadway this year but was not nominated for a Tony but is gamely presenting anyhow because they want to show they're not bitter about not having been nominated.
• Suck bitchily on your white-wine spritzer every time someone gets pitchy.
• Two sips for every double entendre.
Round two (9–10pm):
• Each time cohosts Kristin or Alan makes a joke about Wolf Hall’s length, down a hearty draft of ale.
• When Hand to God sock puppet Tyrone is bleeped out for profanity, chug.
• For each joke about dysfunctional families (Fun Home, Hand to God, The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time, etc.), finish your drink.
• Anytime someone cries while accepting their award, take a shot of anything. (Note: This one is strictly for professional drinkers or rhinoceroses. If you are a normal human being, you will be dead inside 30 minutes if you attempt this.)
Liver-exploding round (10pm–dawn)
Down a shot when you see:
• Awkward, nonsensical excerpting of play and play revival nominees
• Embarrassing speeches attempting to justify the existence of the Tony Awards
• Strange special material including opening and closing numbers clearly conceiving the Tony Awards for an audience that does not have any idea what goes on in theater
• The orchestra cutting off a particularly sweet but long-winded acceptance speech
• LGBT winner kissing their partner
• Mismatched pair of stars copresenting
• The orchestra playing all or part of "There's No Business Like Show Business"
• A Broadway legend in the audience reacting uncomfortably to an off-color joke
• A Broadway legend clapping off-rhythm or otherwise engaging awkwardly in some more current music
• A nominee giving the stink-eye in the split screen before or after winner announcement
• Mark Rylance doing one of those weird poetry recitations (oh, wait; he’s not nominated this year)
• Either live performance or clips of still-running shows that opened years earlier
• Desperate a cappella warbling by presenters who wish they were in a musical