1. The eager beaver
This Nervous Nancy paces back and forth in the tiny waiting area like an old-school game of pong. At least they provide the rest of the early birds with some pre-coffee entertainment far better than any Saturday morning cartoons, yet just as tragic as the 8:00 a.m. news. Don't bother trying to interject; the eager beaver will eventually wear themselves out and resort to pressing up against the glass in an attempt to see through to the other side, a brighter side. There's hope.
2. The rule breaker
Rule breaker, risk taker. Despite arriving a mere thirty seconds before doors open, the rule breaker refuses to take a number. They don't live by enforced laws and numerical systems. Fuck the establishment! I am not a number, I am a man! They holler into the thick CO2-filled air in an anti-establishment rant drawing on material from The Breakfast Club's Bender. The Israeli 'balagan' of a crowd remains unfazed. The lack of response merely agitates the rule breaker, who redirects their frustrations towards the sleeping security guard. Startled, the security guard awakes from his deep slumber and escorts the rule breaker out immediately. I'll be back, don't you worry. I know my rights!
3. The Shakespearean actor
Whether a trained monologist or aspiring amateur, the Shakespearean actor cannot help but burst into fits of soliloquy despite the poor acoustics of the 'intimate' room. Perhaps if they had something interesting to say, they could steal the primetime slot from the eager beaver. But Alas, their speech is comprised of empty threats and a stream-of-consciousness about what they ate for breakfast, who they had to kill on their bike ride over here, Bibi, the inefficiency of the banking system, and so on. Careful not to push their buttons as they've gradually evolved from Romeo the romantic to the mad Macbeth. Who knows what villainous character they'll embody next? Hide your pillows!
4. The frequent flyer
This individual has got the system down pat...well sort of. If they did, they probably wouldn't be showing up one to two times per week, nor would they be on a first name basis with the teller, security guard, and janitor. Why aren't they opening the doors? The Shakespearean actor swoops in Deus Ex Machina, minus the solution. Although the information on the door reads Mon-Thu 8:00-13:30, the bank actually opens at 9:00, responds the frequent flyer. Such grace, such flawlessness to their speech–the true Deus Ex Machina of this public predicament.
5. The snoozing security guard
Sure, they're supposed to be watching over the insanity that is Bank HaPoalim during the 8:00-8:59 a.m. witching hour, but hey, a man's gotta sleep. Either that or the lack of oxygen has made it to his brain. Either way, let him rest in peace. Imagine having to live through Groundhog day twice a day, five times a week, fifty weeks a year.
By Jennifer Greenberg, who got to the bank an hour early just to take the first number.
Take a look at the top five "summer-is-officially-over" buzz kills.