So I happened across an article in the Jerusalem Post this afternoon, titled “HOW TO AVOID INJURIES DURING PURIM FESTIVITIES” and I immediately thought to myself: Drats! Why didn’t I think of that? Such a funny take on the most belligerently dangerous Jewish holiday of the year (and that’s including Simcha Torah).
Then I clicked on the article. And much to my surprise, it was not a farce, but rather a very useful (suspiciously too useful) list of productive ways to stay safe on Purim – Diaspora Jews, think back to those safety talks given by policemen on Halloween, topped with enough orange reflector tape to take down the superintendent.
So, while Jpost readers are off checking for razors in their Purim parcels, pointing foam spray away from their eyes, and of course, avoiding all costumes with “lace, ropes and cords longer than two centimeters” (there goes my Christian Grey outfit), Time Out is taking a slightly different approach to the topic.
Behold! “How to REALLY avoid injuries during Purim festivities”:
1. Do not, under any circumstance, dress as Wonder Woman. Or one of the following might happen:
- You will get lost, your friends won’t be able to find you amongst the sea of identical Wonder Women, and you will die a sad, lonely death
- You will injury yourself trying to show off your amateur sword skills
- You will fall into a violent depression, realizing that you’ll never be fit enough to rock this suit like Gal Gadot
2. Despite what they tell you, all candy is fair game. No need to dispose of broken seals or toss aside damaged boxes…those are decoys created by Klik collectors and Halva hoarders to increase net Pesek Zman profit.
3. Don’t drink and walk. Even if you’ve mastered the art of chewing gum while walking, it’s just not the same when you’re under Arak attack.
4. Bite off all edges of Hamantaschen FIRST! Those bad boys are sharp. No one wants to go home with a scratched cornea…or worse…
5. No parkour. That’s so 2017.
6. ALWAYS mix your vodka-filled water bottle with brightly colored juice. That way, once plastered in the unbearable HaMedina heat, you’ll remember that isn’t water in your left hand, nor should you chug it.
7. On that note, stay hydrated. One shot of water per every shot of Tubi should do it.
8. Wear plenty of sunscreen.
9. “While adults may get a bit tipsy from drinking alcohol on Purim, one should not allow children to drink” (a direct quote from the Jerusalem Post article). Thanks Judy Siegel-Itzkovich!
10. Do NOT, I repeat, DO NOT dress up like Trump, Putin, Kim Jong-un, Bibi,
or any dictator for that matter unless you’re looking to get your butt kicked.
11. Punny costumes, however, will be rewarded with imaginary Time Out brownie points.
12. If you’re ballsy enough to hit up a rooftop party, leave at least three-meters distance between your drunk, uninhibited self and the ledge.
13. Don’t sport a cape. Not due to choking hazards (I hear asphyxiation is in right now), but due to the fact that they create delusions of false invincibility once under the influence.
14. Skip all era-themed dance parties. Flailing arms, loose (disco) balls, and glitter are all recipes for disaster. Prohibition themes on the other hand…
15. Do not consume more than six prune-filled Hamantaschen on any given day. You (and your toilet bowl) will regret it later.
16. Do not operate heavy machinery. This includes, but is not limited to: motorized vehicles, lame-ass scooters, bicycles, laundry machines, free weights, or bubble guns.
17. Never leave your drink unattended. Then again never leave your hand unattended by a drink...or anything else for that matter.
Ready to hit the town? Here’s a list of the best Tel Aviv Purim parties this year.