Another year come and gone, another list of resolutions attempted and failed...or maybe just written in ballpoint ink on the first page of a brand new (empty) journal and shoved into your top drawer. Why bum yourself out with unrealistic resolutions to get fit, eat healthy, and stop smoking? Let 2018 welcome the new you, the happier you. Get fat, gorge on junk food, and jump off that wagon...it’s time for Time Out Israel’s ANTI New Year’s resolutions.
This year I promise to...
Sunscreen is a conspiracy theory anyways, save your shek and let the sun beat down on your pasty, ash(k)en(azi) skin. It only takes one third-degree full-body burn before that raw skin turns to tan.
Eat less kale
Stop lying to yourself, nobody likes the taste of sandpaper.
Test your liver's capacity
That's why God gave us two...wait, did he?
Cancel your gym membership
It's not like you use it anyways. You can always invest in an electric bike if you want to pretend that you're exercising.
Call your mother
She'll be so surprised you didn't reach out over social media that you'll never have to call her again. Mom points in the bank.
Don't cut your hair
If you're a guy, dive head(or might I say hair)-first into the mainstream male culture with your newly un-coiffed 'do.' Females: take back the lady bun.
Take a cue from "The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up" and rid yourself of any pets and/or children cluttering your living room...if unsure, just ask yourself "does this two-year-old spark joy?"
Go against the (vegan) grain
While the hipsters don't know it yet, the meatless trend has become so mainstream, that it's actually "cooler" to dig into a big, fat, juicy slab-o-steak at M25 (30 Simtat Hacarmel, 03-5173086).
Take the plunge, cut the line
That is in the rare case that there is one. Politeness is so "last century" in Israel. Throwback to your frontsies-backsies elementary school days and butt your way to the front of that café line.
Download Snapchat, Instagram, Twitter, Bumble, Grumble and maybe Tumble
You're spending far too much time in reality these days.