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There are two types of Joburgers over Easter: those who leave, and those who suddenly remember why they love an empty city.
As the highways clog and OR Tambo transforms into a gladiatorial arena of delayed flights and passive-aggressive queueing, Johannesburg performs its annual ritual shedding. What remains is a strange, quieter version of the city, one where parking is abundant, brunch arrives on time, and you briefly consider never leaving again.
But before that bliss? The exodus. And like any great migration, it comes with its own cast of characters.
The pilgrims
They are the logistical elite. Clad in the iconic green and silver, these pilgrims don’t do "vacations"; they do missions. While the rest of us are arguing over which cooler box fits in the boot, they are already mid-transit in a masterclass of coordination that puts corporates to shame. They aren't looking for a tan; they’re looking for a renewal. Maximum respect for the stamina.
The humidity hunters
Spot them by their oversized sunglasses, the smell of SPF 50 and a suspiciously early out-of-office reply. By Wednesday afternoon, they’ve mentally checked out; by Thursday morning, they’re on the N3, fuelled by the singular, manic goal of seeing the Indian Ocean before sunset. Whether it’s Durban, Ballito, or that quiet spot just past Margate, they’ll be posting sunset content before you’ve even left your driveway.
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The last-minute mavericks
These are the chaos agents. The ones who realise it’s a long weekend on Thursday at 4 pm. With no bookings and a half-packed suitcase, they head toward Clarens or Dullstroom on a wing and a prayer. They end up sleeping in a "quaint" loft that is actually a converted tool shed, but they’ll tell everyone back at the office it was an "off-the-grid boutique experience." To each his own.
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The radius rangers
Not everyone needs a long weekend away. Armed with picnic baskets and a carefully curated playlist, the radius rangers want the nature, but they refuse the trauma of a six-hour drive. Armed with an oversized SUV and a powerful playlist, they colonise Harties or the Magaliesburg foothills. They are the tactical geniuses of Easter; they get the fresh air, the overpriced artisanal cheese, and are back in their own beds before the highway traffic reports even turn red.
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The proud staycationers
Then there are those who opt out entirely. No traffic, no packing, no drama. They stock up on snacks, make ambitious brunch plans, and finally visit that restaurant they’ve been meaning to try. For them, Easter isn’t about escape; it’s about reclaiming the city. And honestly? They might be winning.
The Easter survival manifesto
- The golden rule: If you haven't left by 4 am on Friday, you are no longer "travelling": you are just parked on a very long road. Rule of thumb: leave earlier than you think you should. Then leave even earlier.
- The snack ratio: Double your biltong estimates. You will eat half of it before you even reach the Grasmere Toll Plaza.
- The digital strategy: Accept that traffic is inevitable and download your podcasts now. The signal in Van Reenen’s Pass is a myth.
- The booking best practice: If you're staying behind, book everything. The “quiet city” myth is only half true.
By Sunday afternoon, the tide turns. The pilgrims return, the humidity hunters reluctantly trade flip-flops for reality, and the highways once again become a test of patience and character.
And just like that, Johannesburg fills up again, louder, busier, and slightly sunburnt.
Until the next long weekend beckons.
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