Much like the rest of the country is fixated on Miami, Miamians are totally engrossed in life in the Magic City. It’s not that we’re self-absorbed, it’s that dismissing things like humidity and disregarding hurricanes is impossible when they’re a) pervasive and b) piquing the rest of the country's interest. Want to find out what really keeps us up at night? Read on to uncover the 17 things Miamians are strangely obsessed with.
To the rest of the country they’re just croquettes, but to us they’re one-bite wonders we’ve lovingly dubbed croqueticas. There are dances devoted to them, entire birthday displays built around them and crawls organized to rank them.
2. The beach
Raise your hand if you’re a native Miamian and have been to the beach in the last six months. Anyone? Chances are we’ve all kept our hands in our pockets because driving to the beach is a “mission,” but we’re still obsessed with it and make weekly attempts to go even if we only make it as far as our neighbor’s pool.
3. Living on the beach versus living on the mainland
Miami Beach people complain that Coral Gables and areas west of it are “so, so far away,” meanwhile mainlanders would rather spend $500 on a hotel room than have to deal with parking, traffic and all of the other inconveniences associated with “trekking to the beach.”
Wait, you don’t have an app on your smartphone that forecasts the average humidity? Well, then, you’re not a real Miamian (or you’re bald and what your hair looks like has no bearing on your sanity).
5. Hurricane warnings
Also known as our annual reminder to stock up on canned goods and restock our bars. Two words: hurricane party!
We drive like jerks, park like morons and generally behave like assholes behind the wheel, but all socially deplorable behavior occurs while seated in a fucking amazing vehicle—even if it costs a small fortune.
7. Where we went to high school
More than half of Miami’s population peaked in their teen years and meeting new people is the perfect time to reminisce. “Hi, Jake from Miami, nice to meet you. Now, what high school did you go to?”
8. Cuban coffee
It fuels us!
9. Happy hour
Miami bars are SLAMMED between the hours of 4pm and 7pm. It’s either that we’re really strapped for cash and can’t afford a regular-price drink or that work is really wearing on us. Our guess is neither. We just really like to drink.
10. Cheap gas
We will drive to the gas station across town to save $.02 on the gallon and text all of our friends to let them know about this incredible deal. Who cares that we just blew half a tank driving to the cheaper gas station?
11. Seasonal things
Boots, scarves, gloves ... basically, it’s a case of wanting what we can’t have. We refuse to take our Pumpkin Spice Latte iced.
12. Joe’s Stone Crab
Now here is a seasonal item that’s available and adored. Even after more than 100 years in business, Joe’s costly claws still flood our Instagram feeds October through May.
13. “Princess Parking”
Only royalty is deserving of a prime parking spot in these parts—AND WE WANT IT.
14. Parking tickets
Miami drivers fall into two camps: the carefree and the paranoid. You’ve either never paid to park or obsessively refill your meter the moment you think it's expired.
15. Fad diets
Herbal Life, 21 Day Fix, B12 shots … someone you know is either on a diet, peddling a new plan or weaning themselves off some grueling regime.
We’d sooner die than be considered pale.
17. Saying we’re from Miami
I mean, is there any other city in the world you’d rather be from?
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