Ah, the Uber Pool. Agreeing to split your ride with multiple strangers heading in a similar direction may not exactly be in line with the rules you were taught as a youngin, but times have changed. It’s 2018. Rent ain’t cheap and the carpooling option of the popular ride-share app is an undeniable way to save a few bucks on your commute. It also puts you in very close proximity to strangers. And in Miami, strangers equal uncomfortable situations, odd odors and so much more. Here are a few of our favorite Uber Pool characters we’ve encountered over hundreds of strange, strange miles.
1. The person listening to a podcast so loud you’re genuinely scared for their ear health. It literally sounds like Ira Glass is in the trunk though.
2. The person who steals your seat belt buckle. Great. Rest in peace you, sacrificed to save a middle-aged man who smells like Honey Bunches of Oats.
3. The person just going in on a pan con bistec. You are at once disgusted and hungry. And you will smell like beef for three hours.
4. The insufferable bros leaving Mary Brickell Village at 1am. Mary Brickell would be ashamed of you—and also probably terrified by the concept of a Honda Accord.
5. The sleek young professional who gets picked up from his parents’ house in Kendall. Dress for success, young man! (Even if you have to be home for dinner by 7pm.)
6. The person who demands to be dropped off first. You know what, fine. But we’re not going to stop the car and you have to jump.
7. The gossipers who won’t stop talking about how “you know who” did “you know what.” And you keep moving your drop-off destination further and further because you are personally invested in this chisme.
8. The animal person who decided to bring their pet. The chihuahua just winked at you. Run!
9. The women applying make-up frantically. We’re honestly not bothered by this but we do feel the urge to let you know that last pothole seriously fudged up your mascara.
10. The poor elderly person who can’t figure out the app. She’s just trying to go to Winn-Dixie but the map currently has her destined for Wynwood Yard.
11. The FaceTimer having an argument with their significant other. Just apologize, Brendan! You forgot her mother’s cat’s half-birthday!
12. The child who appears to be far too young to Uber by themselves. Yet, he’s…answering emails? Who is this kid? Do they have more Instagram followers than you?
13. The man who opens the door on your side and stares at you until you scoot over. For a terrifying moment, he appears to be thinking about sitting on your lap.
14. The lazy Uber Pooler who only takes it two blocks. Those heels do look torturous, but you were seriously seven steps away.
15. The quiet person who refuses to make eye-contact with anyone or anything. Okay, we’ll admit that this is basically us and—yes—we realize that we probably look like your guilty Labrador Retriever after it got into the trash.
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