Looking for love anywhere is already tough, but throw in 90% humidity and a 10% chance that even the hottest pedestrian will be given the right of way while crossing the street and you have the total car wreck that is dating in Miami. Odds are, the person you’re about to go on a date with has blasted through a stop sign or nearly side-swiped you on Biscayne Boulevard at some point. What’s cuter than a meet-cute that ends in an ambulance? Welcome to dating in the 305!
RECOMMENDED: How not to be a dick in Miami
1. Clothing-optional
Is it body positivity, the heat or just the latest sale at Fashion Nova? Either way, don’t be surprised if you start swiping and seeing less and less clothing. It’s like undressing people with your eyes, but you just have to use your finger.
2. Name-drop it like it’s hot
You know who? They went where? And you’re on their list? It’s all about who you know. In Miami, that person knows someone who opened that club and they’re like, really connected. You’re not. Sorry you’re irrelevant.
3. Rolls up in a Benz, but still lives at home
Beep, beep! “Damn, that’s a nice car,” you say to yourself before getting in, only to later find out that the 27-year-old who works in retail still lives with their parents. No shade, but prepare for some skewed priorities (and splitting gas).
4. Another “entrepreneur”
A quick peruse of any dating app in the 305 is sure to turn up an endless supply of “entrepreneurs.” In Miami, it's basically a catch-all term for “influencer,” “house flipper,” “vegan pilates instructor”…The list goes on.
5. A ski instructor? In Miami?
It hasn’t snowed in Miami since January 19, 1977, so chances are if their “ski instructor” is texting them on a Friday night, it’s exactly what you think it is. (And if you don’t know, that’s what Google’s for.)
6. Check the label
If they're decked out in designer for a casual Tuesday wine night at Lagniappe, you better check for spelling mistakes. Let’s be real: We all love a designer moment, but nothing’s worse than spotting a pair of Gucci sunglasses spelled with three Cs.
7. Likes > love
At the core of every budding romance are “likes.” Yes, Instagram likes. If you’re a clout chaser looking to increase your reach and “collab,” look no further than Miami dating. Under 5k followers? Ew.
8. Get fit or die dating
One too many drinks at Gramps could result in a 2am personal training session that will come back to haunt you. Yeah, that late-night rendezvous might equal an 8:20am Barry’s walk of shame at an incline of 12 once you realize they’re the instructor.
9. Booked and busy
“What’s the rush?” You say as you take a sip of your overpriced cocktail from [redacted]. No, they’re not having stomach issues. They’ve just double-booked in case you were a snooze. If the date lasts fewer than 30 minutes, that’s a dead giveaway.
10. Bi(lingual)
Chances are, the person you’re about to go on a date with speaks more than just English. If you’re feeling linguistically lazy, it might be time to pick up those DuoLingo lessons you’ve been ignoring for the past few months. It’s never too late to learn another language, especially Spanish.
11. Shade the shades
Wearing sunglasses at night should have stayed in the ’80s, with that song that made it a thing. It’s still a thing in Miami, though probably for different reasons. Like scoping out their next date, or hiding dilated pupils.
12. Is it rented?
So. Many. Yacht. Pictures. If you’re getting excited that you just met a complete catch, life jackets included, you should know: It’s probably a rental. Or it could belong to their rich friends, in which case, you may actually have a chance of getting your sea legs. Either way, is there room for one more?
13. Selfie-absorbed
Hey, bestie! Oh, wait, no. Their bestie is just a tripod, or maybe a mirror. We all know our angles, there’s no doubt about that. But when the grid’s all thirst traps, it may be a little concerning. Although, you could become their Instagram-bf-gf-sidepiece.
14. BBLs
No, you’re not old. It’s not a new texting abbreviation. It’s just the latest and greatest enhancement happening around Miami, mami. Don’t waste your time doing 300 squats a day. 'Cause we’ll bet their ass your date’s not.
15. Phone background check
OK, so most people aren’t going to run a background check on a potential lover, right? Well, the closest free one you can do is a quick glance at their phone screen. If it’s a picture of themself, we’re sorry. The only catch is you’ll technically have to go on the date to find out.
16. Nothing less sexy than Sexy Fish
If they recommend going to dinner at Sexy Fish, run. Like, fast. Unless that’s your scene. There’s always the Daniel Craig mannequin in the bathroom if the date goes really south. At least he can’t talk, right?
17. Carb-free, not carefree
Just because they have a six-pack doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy the carbs. After all, they’re probably lusting after the table bread while you’re eating it. And if they judge you, well, their loss—they’re probably still hungry.
18. Another celeb endorsement
Oh, my god! Three of the Miami Housewives follow you? *Jaw drops* Their DMs may be left on read, but their social climbing mindset isn’t going anywhere. Prepare for social climbers. Hope you have good upper body strength and extra chalk for your hands.
19. Dive in headfirst
If you end up on a date or someone recommends a date at one of the select few Miami dive bars that exist, don’t judge: You’re probably in good company. So download the TouchTunes app and have the night of your life. It’s what you make it, after all.