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The 10 types of Miami drivers you should avoid, but can’t

Miami Traffic
Photograph: Courtesy CC/Flickr/Lonny Paul

Miami has a lot of things going for her. She’s cute, she’s fun and despite her shallow image, she’s actually pretty cultured and driven too. Just take a peek at her many museums and flourishing food scene. When it comes to navigating her dispersed neighborhoods and congested roads, however, we’re at a loss. Poor city planning and a lack of public transportation are huge factors, but the city’s drivers deserve a special shout-out too. We’re putting these 10 types of Miami motorists on blast. Avoid them when you can and please, drive safely!

1. La Vieja

Sure, this driver could make the list in any other city, but here in Miami, she’s la vieja, and she’s everywhere. Like our own abuelas, she’s part adorable, part terrifying. The guilt sets in once we’ve finally pulled ahead, right after cursing her out for driving so slowly. Lo siento viejita, we didn’t realize who you were!

2. The Showoff

We could write up a whole post on this driver, but you get the idea. If he’s not cutting you off at 100mph in his Ferrari, he’s probably checking you out while blasting Bad Bunny.

3. The Horn Addict

Sometimes a honk is necessary. Most of the time it’s just annoying. This driver beeps in traffic, in the rain, before the sun comes up. They’ll find any opportunity to honk at you, and probably flip you a bird as they pass. We’re sure wherever they’re headed is super important, and they’re already extremely late. Don’t take it personally.

4. The Big Bully

This driver wields a large vehicle and is wholly unaware of its dimensions. Excuse me, can you not try to wedge yourself into that small gap in front of me? Please, pick on someone your own size.

5. The Multitasker

Most “driving” in Miami mainly consists of sitting in traffic. These stationary motorists take advantage of their “free” time by neglecting the road and instead focusing their attention on more important things, like cleaning their dashboard, checking their Instagram or filing their taxes.

6. The Indecisive Driver

These drivers will speed up to cut you off in traffic, only to slow back down after realizing they can’t make it. They might put their left-hand turn signal on and then slowly drift over to the right-hand lane. Who knows what they’re really thinking? The indecisive driver likes to keep us on our toes.

7. The Well-Traveled Warrior

We prefer the term “classic,” but let’s be honest: Anything older than next year’s model is deemed 2000-late in Miami. Take this writer’s beloved 1997 Subaru Outback. Everyone scoffs at it in disgust, because it’s well past its prime and not shiny and expensive.

8. The Selfish Driver

This driver won’t give you space to turn onto the street — even when you’re clearly about to drive yourself into a median — because they’re just too selfish. This same person is a chronic line-cutter during peak rush hour. Yes we’ve all done it, but it’s not nice.

9. The Bumper Driver

A bumper driver is exactly what it sounds like: Someone who rides your bumper because they assume you’ll submit to their dominance by either driving faster or switching lanes. This Miami driver is omnipresent, but we must be strong. Do not ever give in to the bullishness of a bumper driver.

10. The Intersection Blocker

It’s probably one of the top fears of every driving Miamian, yet nobody talks about it: getting trapped in an intersection at a red light due to excessive traffic and — admit it — poor judgment on your part. Intersection blockers deserve their shame, but we must also reserve some sympathy for them and hope we get it in return when our dreaded day comes.

  

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