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28 things that will definitely happen to you when moving to Miami

28 things that will definitely happen to you when moving to Miam
Photograph: Shutterstock

Moving to the Magic City isn’t always easy, but it’s worth it in the end. To smooth your transition, these are the things you should prepare yourself for. (Just don’t give yourself away by uttering one of these 40 things you’ll never hear a Miamian say.) 

1. You will unsuccessfully try to make guacamole with Florida avocados.

2. You will never fall asleep after your first 3:05 cafecito (because it’s actually crack).

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3. Your entire life will be turned upside down during “season.”

4. You will wonder why Miami Beach isn’t paying you to drive across the Venetian Causeway.

5. You will be completely perplexed by drivers who turn on their hazard lights when it drizzles. 

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6. You will regret not acing your high-school Spanish classes. 

7. Someone will try to pry the last stone crab out of your hands, and you will fight back.

8. You will meet a palmetto bug in your bathroom and scream like bloody hell. 

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9. You will pull a “pata sucia” on Collins Ave at 3am.

10. You will fall in love with mamey. 

11. You will suddenly start reevaluating your body image.

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12. You will follow throngs of local “influencers” on IG and wonder if any of them actually work.

13. In fact, you will wonder if anyone ever works in paradise.

14. You will pay anything to get on I-95’s express lanes—only to find yourself sitting in more traffic.

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15. You will never speak about sea level rise, with anyone, under any circumstance.

16. You will lose all faith in football.

17. You will embrace Cuban culture and salsa the night away on Calle Ocho. 

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18. Your friends will visit. A lot. 

19. You will vacillate from party animal to straight-up recluse. 

20. You will never get used to the humidity.

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21. Your parents will call from wherever they are to see if anyone’s protesting the latest outrage in your neighborhood. The answer will be no.

22. You will spend a lot of money on spinning classes. 

23. You will ditch the layers and wear next to nothing when you leave the house. 

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24. You will wear neon to Ultra Music Festival.  

25. You will finally understand Miami’s majesty once you get yourself on a boat. 

26. You will fall into a deep depression searching for good, cheap Chinese food.

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27. You will be punctual and sit by yourself for 30 minutes because “the bridge was up.” 

28. You will hashtag every photo #welivewhereyouvacation

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