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South Beach Walk of Shame
Photograph: Courtesy CC/Flickr/Chris Goldberg

30 things that make you an asshole everywhere except Miami

Virginia Gil
Written by
Virginia Gil

There’s so much pride attached to living in Miami. We lay claim to some of the country’s best beaches, most killer nightlife and most beautiful people. But sometimes being surrounded by so much awesomeness makes us a little arrogant, too. If you find yourself getting gnarly stares from the person driving the rental car you just cut off or your Airbnb neighbor who has no idea why you just greeted him with a kiss on the cheek, you’re probably engaging in behaviors that make you an asshole everywhere except Miami. Here are 30 more jerk moves you can only get away with in the 305—because the rest of the world just doesn’t get it, bro.

1. Speaking Spanish by default to someone you’ve never met

2. Having a full conversation with a friend while blocking traffic. And then giving attitude when people honk at you.

3. Honking your horn if the car in front of you hasn’t moved the SECOND the light turns green. But when you are first in line, looking down at your phone and not the light so everyone but you misses it when you finally stop looking at your Snapchat feed.

4. Kissing a complete stranger or someone you have just met on the cheek

5. Speaking Spanglish

6. Showing up 45 minutes late for a meeting

7. Being the last person at a party and suggesting more shots

8. Talking for 15 minutes about nothing before you actually get the point of why you called someone

9. Talking on the phone the entire time you shop in the grocery store

10. Blatantly looking someone up and down when you meet them

11. Asking someone where she had her boobs/Botox/fillers done before you get to know her

12. Calling your child papi or mami

13. Calling someone you like “gordi” (little fatty)

14. Calling your husband/boyfriend papi

15. Wearing fur coats when it’s 60 degrees

16. Wearing shorts that show your butt cheeks, shirts that show your bra. To work. At an office.

17. Driving like a freaking lunatic. On every road. At full speed. 

18. Getting pissed off at other drivers when YOU are the asshole

19. Wearing workout gear everywhere

20. Bragging constantly about everything—drugs, popping bottles, how big your boat is

21. Riding on a motorcycle at full speed with no helmet

22. Throwing a birthday party for a kid under 10 that cost $10,000

23. Going to a dentist because he or she offers Botox 

24. Canceling on plans because it interferes with your manicure/pedicure/haircut/wax appointment

25. Wearing next to nothing to dinner and asking to have the AC turned up

26. Turning your hazards on in the rain

27. Slowing down without any warning or indication to other drivers because you’re looking for an address

28. Taking someone’s marked parking space because “you’ll be back in five minutes” and not returning for an hour

29. Wearing flip-flops to work/church/job interview

30. Calling your superior at work “bro” or “mama”

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