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31 things that will definitely happen to you when you move to San Francisco

31 things that will definitely happen to you when you move to Sa
Photograph: Shutterstock

San Francisco is an amazing place to live, though it definitely takes some getting used to—not least going about your business in a cityscape so picturesque that even modes of public transportation are tourist attractions. But you'll settle in, we promise. And to help smooth your transition, these are the things you should prepare yourself for. You’ll feel like a native in no time—and agree that SF kicks our SoCal counterpart’s ass.

1. You will be socially shamed into becoming a hiker/biker/runner/triathlete, whether you're athletic or not.

2. You will learn to love the medicinal kick of Fernet.

3. You will start making hummus from scratch, culturing yogurt, pickling vegetables, brewing beer, roasting coffee, baking bread or infusing spirits.

4. You will experiment with commuting by bus, Muni Metro and BART before realizing it's faster in almost all circumstances to bike.

5. You will realize that "notes of peach nectar, cherry cola and retro-nasal floral" is describing your coffee, not your wine.

6. You will wear a winter coat, hat, and scarf to the beach. In July.

7. You will scoff at tourists taking photos of the Transamerica Pyramid, Full House house, and Ferry Building—but you'll still take endless pictures of the Golden Gate Bridge.

8. You will post artfully composed Instagram photos of your farmers' market haul. #bounty

9. You will go to a party, then realize you've stumbled into a cult of strategy board-game enthusiasts.

10. You will struggle to remember which of your friends are vegetarian, vegan, gluten-free, Paleo, dairy-free or pescatarian.

11. You or your significant other will be granted a medical marijuana license for a made-up affliction.

12. You will befriend, date or find an apartment through a Lyft driver.

13. You will develop strong opinions about burritos.

14. You will cease to be shocked when encountering full-frontal nudity or human feces before breakfast.

15. You will wait in line for 20 minutes for a single cup of artisanal, single-origin, pour-over coffee at Blue Bottle.

16. You will fetishize It's Its.

17. You will date 30-year-old bloggers with five roommates and 20-year-old Googlers with three-bedroom bachelor pads.

18. You will wear heels to a house party and feel like you wore a ball gown to a barbecue.

19. You will grow a beard or a man-bun.

20. You will recognize strangers on the street because you follow them on Instagram.

21. You will spend an outsize percentage of your income on rent. You will consider moving in with the person you're casually sleeping with just to save money.

22. You will freeze up in front of a row of black, blue, and green bins, unsure where to throw a piece of trash. Recycle....wait…compost?

23. You will donate to a friend's Kickstarter out of guilt.

24. You will buy edibles from a stranger in Dolores Park.

25. You will carry totes everywhere to avoid the ten-cent paper bag surcharge.

26. After pedaling up punishingly steep hills for months, you will learn about the Wiggle.

27. You will get an ironic tattoo.

28. You will envy a drag queen's outfit.

29. You will give your pet its own hashtag.

30. You will realize that everyone in your friend circle has slept with one another.

31. You will insist that San Francisco is the most beautiful, innovative city on Earth and you will never, ever leave.

Been here a while? What happened to you when you first arrived? Let us know what else should be on our list in the comments section below.

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