The last Mercury retrograde of the year started earlier this week and will last until January 8, 2017. What does that mean? Cosmologically speaking, it means that Mercury is moving in the opposite direction of planet Earth.
But, as is the case with just about anything that happens outside of our control, us humans have a tendency to find deeper meanings when confronting completely meaningless scenarios. So, what does Mercury in retrograde really mean to us mere mortals, ignorant of the ways of astronomy? In essence: shit's going to get bad.
In astrology, the planet Mercury is involved in all things communication, travel and learning. As a result, when the planet starts moving in the opposite direction of life on earth, we can expect for all things communication, travel and learning to basically disagree with all of our needs and wants (think broken technological devices, missing flights, failing tests and work tasks).
Although there is officially no science to back these claims, we humans like to be extra careful with matters involving luck. As some say, it's good to prepare for the worse (that would be 2016's primary lesson). So, in an effort to do just that and appease our human ways, we're here to give you some perspective on this Mercury talk. What can go wrong in the upcoming weeks? And how do we spin these catastrophes into positive vibes? Here it goes:
1. The Polar Vortex that has affected the northern United States will take over the entire country and disrupt your holiday plans.
Let's stay positive: You will not have to go home and discuss politics with your family. Instead, you'll have all the time you need to peacefully binge-watch Netflix's The OA (unless your TV breaks down, of course).
2. Your iPhone will malfunction and you won't be able to check your Instagram, Twitter, Facebook and Snapchat accounts until 2017.
Let's stay positive: You can finally let your incessantly typing fingers take a breather, minimizing your chances of developing Carpal Tunnel syndrome.
3. Your enormous online shopping order will not be delivered in time for your holiday party.
Let's stay positive: You'll get reimbursed because you made the purchase under the guarantee that your order will be delivered in a timely manner. Just make sure to contact costumer service when Mercury is done with this whole retrograde business.
4. You will forget a date you had set.
Let's stay positive: You dodged a bullet. First of all, who agrees to go out on a date between now and January 8? Secondly, who are you kidding? Mercury or not, you would never forget about a date unless completely disinterested to begin with.
5. You will finally (almost) get tickets to Hamilton... and then your computer will break down.
Let's stay positive: You just saved $500 at the very least.
6. Christmas and Hannukah will be cancelled.
Let's stay positive: There is no positive. This absolutely cannot happen.