Cry us a river.
Ex boyfriend tears flask, $20, exboyfriendtears.com
Strike a match; snuff out the memory of your ex-flame.
Anti-Love Literary Lites, $6.50, etsy.com
If you plan on giving the finger, it might as well be painted with red and black sparkles and skulls.
Dead Men Tell No Tales polish by Black Cat Lacquer, $9, blackcatlacquer.bigcartel.com.
Love grenade coin bank by Biaugust, $32, mollaspace.com
The potent elixir aims to empower “edge walkers, shape shifters, those who dwell between the worlds (and genders), magicians, priestesses, sex workers, and lovers of the great mother.” Sign us up.
Witches, Bitches and Hos elixir by Dori Midnight, $25, otherwild.com
Just because you’re not on a date doesn’t mean you can’t ruin someone else’s. Painful sound effects include nails on a chalkboard and the always-inappropriate vuvuzela.
Annoying Sounds machine by Westminster, $9, museumstore.hmns.org
Don’t sugarcoat it: Dole out mood-killing candies labeled “Rather Drink,” “Mutual Disgust” and “Game on TV” instead.
Dysfunctional Bittersweets by Despair, Inc., $10, despair.com
Nothing says “I may or may not be a serial killer” like a few spare molars tacked on the fridge.
Wisdom tooth magnets by Kikkerland, $6 per set, kikkerland.com
Say it loud and proud.
I’m Literally a Giant Tool Bag tote by Adam J. Kurtz, $12, shop.adamjk.com
Sweet nothings all sound the same anyway.
Blah Blah Blah brass necklace by In God We Trust, $40, ingodwetrustnyc.com
Who needs a heart when, well, you know. We much prefer this stylish, gutsy display.
Anatomy of Digestion plates by Street Anatomy, $270, store.streetanatomy.com
Drown your sorrows—or toast your newfound freedom—with a lychee-flavored libation.
The Filthy Liar gin mixer by White Whale, $10, drinkwhitewhale.com
Yeah, we woke up like this. So what?
Guys + Girls cups by Klai, $48-$66, iloveklai.bigcartel.com
Ain’t nothing gonna break your stride. Nobody’s gonna slow you down. Oh no, you’ve got to keep on movin’.
Wild at Heart cuff by Bing Bang, $85, bingbangnyc.com
Whether you’re newly solo, happily single or filled with the burning rage of a thousand exes, these anti-Valentine’s Day ideas will convey the proper sentiment. Forget the romantic restaurants and florists—we’ve got all the bitter sweets and tool bags you need.
RECOMMENDED: Valentine’s Day ideas for Washington, DC