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Turns out it’s not just like The West Wing/House of Cards/Scandal. Yes, there will be monuments. Yes, you may see the President. No, Arlington is not just like DC. Here's what else you’ll quickly come to realize.
1. You haven’t visited a museum since you moved here. And they’re free.
2. The minimum price for a beer is $6. Weirdly, if it’s a local beer, it’s $9.
3. Nobody wants your company’s free Wizards tickets.
4. You will not find street parking near E Street Cinema. You think you will. You did that one time. You won’t. Just park in the garage. You don’t want to be late for your movie.
5. It’s worth it to fly out of National airport. It’s. Worth. It.
6. If you have friends in Bethesda, they will not go to Arlington. If you have friends in Arlington, they will not go to Bethesda.
7. You shouldn’t have sold your car.
8. DC Prom IS the White House Correspondents Dinner.
9. You will take everybody who visits on the same tour around the monuments. It will last about three hours. Then you will have no idea where else to take them for the rest of the day.
10. You don’t even know who your home town Congressman is, even though you might’ve just had a beer with him at Cap Lounge.
11. You are probably not the smartest person in the room. But you are definitely not the dorkiest person in the room.
12. Every new restaurant on 14th Street actually looks and tastes the same.
13. Calling the people who hang out on H Street “hipsters” is like calling the Washington Redskins a “football team.” Brooklyn and Portland have hipsters. A hipster in DC is just a person who bought Warby Parker glasses and wore sneakers to work.
14. DC does have the best cupcake in the world. And it’s in Georgetown. But it’s not Georgetown Cupcake. That’s for tourists and rubes. Mmm…Baked & Wired is the best.
15. Hey, did everybody buy their clothes at Banana Republic/J Crew/Ann Taylor, too?
Warner Bros. Pictures/via Giphy
16. DC public transportation is a joke. City buses are basically Thunderdome, and the Metro is a Disney ride that’s only really useful for people who live in Virginia.
17. That friend of a friend who works for “the State Department” and who travels a lot doesn’t really work for the State Department. They work for that agency that starts with a “C” and ends in “IA.”
18. The best way to enjoy a Nats game is to just pay for the cheapest general admission tickets and hang out at the Red Porch bar. Nobody’s watching the game, anyway.
19. You have no idea what is half smoked in a “half smoke.” Actually, nobody does.
Sony Pictures Television/via Giphy
20. You dominated trivia night back in Kansas. Dorothy, when it comes to trivia, you’re not in Kansas anymore.
21. Lowest volume of work for highest pay? Trade associations. Highest volume of work for lowest pay? PR firms.
22. You are incredibly fit and stylish—compared to the chubby tourists in American flag T-shirts and jorts who clog the Mall.
23. You can buy many buttons and ribbons at Eastern Market. It’s the same stuff every weekend. Why isn’t it cooler?
Universal Pictures/via Giphy
24. DC has one proper dive bar. Dan’s Cafe. Glass of liquor. Can of mixer. Bucket of ice. Slice of perfection.
25. The Native American Museum is totally worth visiting…for the cafe.
26. The rents = Manhattan. The restaurants < Manhattan.
27. You’ve heard of Anacostia. You’ve never been to Anacostia. You will almost certainly never go to Anacostia.
28. Stand right, walk left.