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Friends, it's time to don your green sweater and taste soda bread for the first time at one of NYC's best Irish restaurants because next Tuesday marks St. Patrick's Day. So what are you going to do? You could try chilling at an Irish pub, but even with our expertise can't save you from avoiding the inevitable Santa Con-level douchebags who tend to appear on festive holidays like this one. And if you really, really want to have a good time, we've rallied five non-douchey St. Patrick's day events where you can actually enjoy yourself:
RECOMMENDED: See the full St. Patrick's Day in NYC guide
For some good ole fashioned comedy head to Too Ra Loo Ra Loo: Improvished Irish Blarney (Mar 17, 7pm. $5) at the PIT, where comedians Lorraine Cink and Julie Sharbutt act out different scenarios at what they will pretend to be an old-timey Irish tavern.
Make St. Patrick's day awesomely creepy with a screening of Leprechaun (Mar 17, 9:30pm. $15) at Nitehawk Cinema. This horror flick features Jennifer Aniston, pre-Friends!
In the mid-19th-century the Lower East Side had more Irish residents than Dublin. Explore the places where many of those immigrants lived with St. Patrick's Weekend Irish New York Tour (Mar 14 at 1pm and Mar 15 at 12pm. $20), where you'll also see the former Five Points neighborhood, where many Irish gangs held court in the 1800s.
Expect a lively night at The Celtic Appalachia (Mar 14, 2:30 and 8pm. $40–$60) where Irish bands from all over rock out for your listening pleasure
Of course there's the Annual St. Patrick's Day Parade, but with all its non-inclusivity controversy (most recently mentioned in New York Daily Post), it's nice to have an alternative option. Flaunt your Irish pride at Brooklyn St. Patrick's Day Parade (Mar 15, 1pm. Free) this year for a friendlier celebration.
Foodies discover the lesser known St. Joseph through Irish cuisine with Little Ireland and Little Italy History and Tasting (Mar 14 and Mar 15, 12pm and 2:45pm both days. $28).
You'd think such a fancy, Irish-themed burlesque show and jazz performance would cost you, but this one is free. Just make a dinner reservation at Macao Trading Co. and soak in the talent at Dandy Wellington Presents: The Second Annual Black Irish Ball (Mar 16, 9pm. Free).