See the photos from the 2014 Smallest Penis in Brooklyn contest (NSFW)

The city’s least visually impressive pageant is back with some more truly tiny tiddlers

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  • Photograph: Bridget Burns

    2014 Smallest Penis in Brooklyn Pageant

  • Photograph: Bridget Burns

    2014 Smallest Penis in Brooklyn Pageant

  • Photograph: Bridget Burns

    2014 Smallest Penis in Brooklyn Pageant

  • Photograph: Bridget Burns

    2014 Smallest Penis in Brooklyn Pageant

  • Photograph: Bridget Burns

    2014 Smallest Penis in Brooklyn Pageant

  • Photograph: Bridget Burns

    2014 Smallest Penis in Brooklyn Pageant

  • Photograph: Bridget Burns

    2014 Smallest Penis in Brooklyn Pageant

  • Photograph: Bridget Burns

    2014 Smallest Penis in Brooklyn Pageant

  • Photograph: Bridget Burns

    2014 Smallest Penis in Brooklyn Pageant

  • Photograph: Bridget Burns

    2014 Smallest Penis in Brooklyn Pageant

  • Photograph: Bridget Burns

    2014 Smallest Penis in Brooklyn Pageant

  • Photograph: Bridget Burns

    2014 Smallest Penis in Brooklyn Pageant

  • Photograph: Bridget Burns

    2014 Smallest Penis in Brooklyn Pageant

  • Photograph: Bridget Burns

    2014 Smallest Penis in Brooklyn Pageant

  • Photograph: Bridget Burns

    2014 Smallest Penis in Brooklyn Pageant

  • Photograph: Bridget Burns

    2014 Smallest Penis in Brooklyn Pageant

  • Photograph: Bridget Burns

    2014 Smallest Penis in Brooklyn Pageant

  • Photograph: Bridget Burns

    2014 Smallest Penis in Brooklyn Pageant

  • Photograph: Bridget Burns

    2014 Smallest Penis in Brooklyn Pageant

  • Photograph: Bridget Burns

    2014 Smallest Penis in Brooklyn Pageant

  • Photograph: Bridget Burns

    2014 Smallest Penis in Brooklyn Pageant

  • Photograph: Bridget Burns

    2014 Smallest Penis in Brooklyn Pageant

  • Photograph: Bridget Burns

    2014 Smallest Penis in Brooklyn Pageant

  • Photograph: Bridget Burns

    2014 Smallest Penis in Brooklyn Pageant

  • Photograph: Bridget Burns

    2014 Smallest Penis in Brooklyn Pageant

  • Photograph: Bridget Burns

    2014 Brooklyn's Smallest Penis Contest

  • Photograph: Bridget Burns

    2014 Smallest Penis in Brooklyn Pageant

  • Photograph: Bridget Burns

    2014 Smallest Penis in Brooklyn Pageant

  • Photograph: Bridget Burns

    2014 Smallest Penis in Brooklyn Pageant

  • Photograph: Bridget Burns

    2014 Smallest Penis in Brooklyn Pageant

  • Photograph: Bridget Burns

    2014 Smallest Penis in Brooklyn Pageant

  • Photograph: Bridget Burns

    2014 Smallest Penis in Brooklyn Pageant

  • Photograph: Bridget Burns

    2014 Smallest Penis in Brooklyn Pageant

  • Photograph: Bridget Burns

    2014 Smallest Penis in Brooklyn Pageant

  • Photograph: Bridget Burns

    2014 Smallest Penis in Brooklyn Pageant

  • Photograph: Bridget Burns

    2014 Smallest Penis in Brooklyn Pageant

  • Photograph: Bridget Burns

    2014 Smallest Penis in Brooklyn Pageant

  • Photograph: Bridget Burns

    2014 Smallest Penis in Brooklyn Pageant

  • Photograph: Bridget Burns

    2014 Smallest Penis in Brooklyn Pageant

  • Photograph: Bridget Burns

    2014 Smallest Penis in Brooklyn Pageant

Photograph: Bridget Burns

2014 Smallest Penis in Brooklyn Pageant


Apparently, the Smallest Penis in Brooklyn Pageant is a grower. The second annual event drew a fat line that stretched halfway down Seigel Street in Bushwick this past Saturday, and those who were lucky enough to fit into the diminutive Kings County Bar were treated to MC Chicken Bitches' sweet and sharp tongue, great music and the effervescence of burlesque performer Cherry Pitz. The main event, of course, was the interaction between the audience, judges and those boys brave enough to bare their modest members. Judges this year included L.A. talk-show host Caroline Fox, sex educator Kendall McKenzie and Bobbie Chaset, the owner of Kings County Bar and mastermind behind the pageant.

The pool of contestants were whittled down to five after a casual screening process, with the lucky (or unlucky, depending on your point of view) finalists comprising of the somewhat twisted Puzzle Master, the cocky Rufio, returning contestant the incognito “Peter Parker,” all-American blond “Twig N’ Berries" and the benevolent Indian “Raj Kumar.” The group were then asked such revealing questions as their favorite sexual position and their responses were saucily evaluated by the judges. Extra points were handed out for originality (and in some cases, their appreciation of cunnilingus). During this hard-hitting opening round, Raj Kumar got points knocked off for being too cutesy, while Peter Parker—the only masked contestant this year—played the awkward wacko card to great effect. Charisma, wit and sweetness, however, won out over showboating or a pretty face.

Astoria comedy band Afterbirth Monkey provided intermission entertainment with songs about—you guessed it—penis size, complete with plastic penis water guns and balloon-art dicks. Once the second round of judging was underway, the guys paraded across the bar wearing dainty mesh tangas. Though always fully covered, this costume change revealed the family jewels most clearly, and honestly, Rufio might as well have been disqualified for not being nearly small enough.

Cherry Pitz graced the bar top with two intermission burlesque sets, which provided an appetizer for the talent portion of the afternoon. The Puzzle Master performed a surprisingly smooth tease and tuck routine, which won him high scores with both the judges and the audience. Peter Parker broke a sweat with a characteristically awkward but high-spirited break-dancing number, dressed head to toe in a Spider-Man costume. Rufio read punny jokes from his iPhone with surprising charm, while Twig N’ Berries sang an uncomfortable, flat-falling duet with Cherry Pitz, then tried to get the audience back with some yoga moves. Raj Kumar donned a traditional Indian costume and displayed his agility in a Bollywood-tinged dance routine that seduced judge Caroline Fox, who joined him onstage for a bump and grind.

As ever, the act with the lowest score won, and audience favorite and New Delhi native Raj Kumar—a 28-year-old Fulbright scholar who lives on the Upper East Side and works in digital advertising—romped away with the win. Last year’s winner, Nick Gilronan, returned to the stage to present Kumar with the glitter encrusted, penis-spired crown amidst a terrible stench of sewage, which, by all accounts, is a pageant tradition (we didn’t feel like enquiring further). Kumar seemed genuinely touched at the turnout and oddly proud of his new title.

See all the photos of the event in the slideshow above (very much not NSFW), or check out the photos from last year's pageant right here.

And check out our videos of the contestants and the coronation below: