ANTI New Year's resolutions

Sunscreen is a conspiracy theory anyways, save your shek and let the sun beat down on your pasty, ash(k)en(azi) skin. It only takes one third-degree full-body burn before that raw skin turns to tan.

Stop lying to yourself, nobody likes the taste of sandpaper.

That's why God gave us two...wait, did he?

It's not like you use it anyways. You can always invest in an electric bike if you want to pretend that you're exercising.

She'll be so surprised you didn't reach out over social media that you'll never have to call her again. Mom points in the bank.

If you're a guy, dive head(or might I say hair)-first into the mainstream male culture with your newly un-coiffed 'do.' Females: take back the lady bun.

Take a cue from "The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up" and rid yourself of any pets and/or children cluttering your living room...if unsure, just ask yourself "does this two-year-old spark joy?"

While the hipsters don't know it yet, the meatless trend has become so mainstream, that it's actually "cooler" to dig into a big, fat, juicy slab-o-steak at M25 (30 Simtat Hacarmel, 03-5173086).

That is in the rare case that there is one. Politeness is so "last century" in Israel. Throwback to your frontsies-backsies elementary school days and butt your way to the front of that café line.

You're spending far too much time in reality these days.