While Capetonians are obsessing over the now-famous elephant seal flopping its way into headlines and hearts, we in Joburg can’t help but ask: What if the seal got a little lost and ended up here instead?
Sure, we don’t have an ocean (or much patience for load shedding), but we do have the grit, the glamour, and the gatsbys to impress even the most discerning marine mammal.
Here’s where we think our flippered friend would hang out if it detoured to the City of Gold.
Zoo Lake: Spa day for seals
Joburg’s iconic lake is just the kind of laid-back hangout this seal would love. Picture it: basking in the sun, dodging pedal boats, and scaring the geese just for fun. Add a snooze under the jacarandas, and it's practically a wellness retreat.
Sandton City: Seal-ing the deal
Every visitor needs to do a little shopping, right? This seal would glide through the mall’s marble floors like it owns the place. First stop: Woolies for a snack. Final stop: selfies at the Nelson Mandela statue at Nelson Mandela Square.
Maboneng: Urban chic meets blubber chic
This artsy inner-city district would be the perfect place for our seal to get in touch with Joburg’s creative side. Street art? Check. Rooftop vibes? Check. Posing next to a Banksy-style mural of itself? Obviously.
Kota Joint in Soweto: Seal of approval
You haven’t truly visited Joburg unless you’ve eaten a kota. Maybe a stop at KEK Restaurants would do the trick. We imagine the seal going full local, covered in atchar and chips, possibly starting a TikTok food review series called Sealed and Delivered.
The Groove Scene: From seal to superstar
This seal’s got star power. It wouldn’t take long for it to headline a set at Konka or pop up in an Amapiano video. Next thing you know, it’s dropping a collab track with DJ Maphorisa called “Flop and Roll.”
Melville Airbnb: For that authentic local experience
Every international guest needs a quirky stay. Cue an Instagram story of our seal curled up on a vintage couch, sipping oat milk lattes from Breezeblock and wondering where the ocean went.
Let’s be honest would Joburg know what to do with an elephant seal? Absolutely not. But would we throw it a welcome party, put it on a billboard, and maybe name a street after it? Without question.
Meanwhile in Cape Town: Wandering elephant seal, Gordy, makes his return to land
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