Summer is so close and with it comes the promise of a sexy seasonal fling—which is as much stability as you can expect from a relationship in Miami. Three months of beach romps and backyard barbecues is like the midwestern equivalent of an engagement in this town, and we’re OK with that. To prep you for the love months ahead, we’ve asked some Miami ladies to kiss and tell on past relationships for a candid look at what you can expect from the local dating pool. Beware: the waters are just as murky as the Everglades.
The wealthy, private school guy
Miami is swarming with former private school dudes, most of who fall into two camps: the all-boys-school alum and the coed-high-school grad. Both live lavish lifestyles subsidized by mami y papi (think high-rise apartments and brand-spanking new BMWs). The wealthier the guy, the bigger his squad—and you’ll have to get in good with them if you want access to yacht parties, tables at LIV, weekend trips to Bimini and much more.
Most likely to be seen in: Key Biscayne and Coconut Grove
Catch phrase: What high school did you go to?
The Transplant
He’s obsessed with all things Miami and all things Latino, and thinks going to a Mexican restaurant validates his understanding of Hispanic culture. His favorite way to experience city is on the arm of a Miami girl—which he rotates weekly.
Most likely to be seen in: South Beach
Catch phrase: “Bro.” (Because that is SO MIAMI!)
The man-child
He’s likely nearing 40 but you’d never tell because he’s out every night of the week and pops bottles on the weekends when he’s not partying on a friend’s boat. He still can’t afford his own.
Most likely to be seen in: Coral Gables
Catch phrase: Do you want to go to the sandbar this weekend?
The guy who still lives at home
A Miami boy who lives with his parents is not like guys from other cities who refuse to move out. The local kind is coddled by his Latin mother and has the emotional maturity of a teenager. He’s never done his own laundry nor traveled outside of the Miami-Dade County line. Props to him for buying his own expensive car (with the money he saved not paying for rent at his parents’ house).
Most likely to be seen in: Westchester or Kendall
Catch phrase: My family owns a house in Key Largo.
Photograph: Courtesy CC/Flickr/Filthiest Production
The artist/musician
He’s sexy as hell and passionate about two things: his work and you. He’ll invite you to watch him paint live or perform with his band, keeping his eyes locked on you all night. He’s quiet and mysterious, which is not to be confused with introspective. He really just has nothing to say.
Catch phrase: Can we go back to your place?
Most likely to be seen in: Wynwood
The dating site/app guy
This guy is also known as the wild card. He’ll confess his love for you on the first date and then slip you the bill at dinner and ask if you can expense it at work. Your second date might consist of going to church with him and his or flying in his private helicopter. He could be Prince Charming or a Manson offspring—just go with it.
Most likely to be seen in: South Beach
Catch phrase: When was your last relationship?
The overachiever
He’s intelligent, successful but perhaps too eager. He’ll win you over with political banter and humble brag about his extra-long resume and Ivy League education. The catch? He’s barely keeping it together and buckling under the pressure. Is he on meds? Maybe.
Most likely to be seen in: Downtown Miami
Catch phrase: What are your thoughts on [political figure’s] take on [foreign policy issue]?
The South American guy
He is so much fun. You’ll go from having drinks to going dancing to staying up all night and taking the party poolside the next morning. His English is conversational but his Spanish is sexier. He’s got better moves than you and way more energy—the source of which is probably illegal.
Most likely to be seen in: Doral and Brickell
Catch phrase: ¡Más rumba!