Today marks the first day of fall, the beginning of the (slow) end of 90-degree days in Miami. Yes! It’s still hot as hell, but we can finally see the light—even if the fear of hurricanes is ever-present.
We won’t go as far as to wish you a happy autumn (hot PSLs still make us perspire), but we will remind you of the glorious months that lie ahead with a look at the 12 stages of Miami heat. So if FOMO on leaf peeping and the photos of fall foliage flooding your Facebook feed feel like too much today, trust that hell will soon freeze over, or at least cool off enough to make you the envy of all your friends up north.
September
Fall? What the hell is fall? I’m still my sweating my ass off!
October
If the weather only dipped below 60 degrees, we wouldn’t have to dress like prostitutes for Halloween. You northerners can keep your masks, polyester getups and face paint.
November
Families everywhere are giving thanks for turkey and November weather in Miami.
December
There is no FOMO in skipping a white Christmas. We’ll take sandy beaches over snowy sidewalks any day.
January
We’re the luckiest sons of bitches in the world. Chicago and New York: sorry, we’re not sorry.
February
We travel to Vail to ski but get to return to palm trees.
March
Our month of love. All those glossy-eyed, smiley people at Ultra and Winter Music Conference aren’t on drugs, they’re just enamored with the weather.
April
Sundresses! Swimsuits! We’re over here living our best lives, wearing bikinis and loving the 80-degree weather.
May
Time out. Isn’t summer still one month out? My summer whites already have sweat stains.
June
From here, it’s non-stop service to Hades.
July
Cue the afternoon thunderstorms … AND giant hair.
August
Maybe we should take up carpentry in case the need for an ark becomes a reality.
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