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The 17 perks of wearing a mask all the time in Miami

The unexpected upsides of wearing a face covering.

By
Virginia Gil
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So much has changed in the last few months, including our faces. We can’t see them anymore! Out in the world, our mugs are hidden behind masks thanks to mandates requiring face coverings at all times. It can get uncomfortable and also very hot—especially in Miami. Plus, you face the risk of uneven face tans, foggy glasses, sore lobes and many lost earrings.

But there are also many upsides to frequent mask-wearing. The most important benefit being to protect you from a potentially deadly virus—but you knew that one, right? The next time you drag your feet leaving the house on account of having to cover your face and mouth, just think of these practical upsides to living in a mask-filled city.

1. People are less likely to kiss you on the cheek. This is Miami, which means someone wearing a mask will invariably go in for the awkward hello kiss but your face covering will deter them. Hopefully.

2. More ways to express yourself sartorially. You’re not limited to a plain surgical mask or the professional n95 your parents bought you on the black market at the start of the pandemic. Get creative with prints, colors and shapes that’ll match your outfit.

3. You don’t have to wear lipstick. Imagine all the money you’ll be saving by not stocking up at Sephora every month? Treat yourself to that Charlotte Tilbury shade you’ve been eyeing—it’ll last you for-ev-er.

4. You can hide from the people you don’t want to see. Slap on a mask and a pair of sunglasses and you’re practically unrecognizable.

5. No one will notice your weird mouth gestures. Were you born with a “crooked mouth,” a la Milo Ventimiglia? Do you make strange duck faces when you’re thinking hard about something? You can now hide whatever bizarre thing you do with your mouth from the world.

6. Dumb men won’t tell you to smile. Suck it, mister.

7. It keeps you from mindless snacking. You’ll have to think twice before shoving another croqueta in your mouth if it’s covered by a mask.

8. Fewer wrinkles! Photoaging is a real thing, but limiting sun exposure with a mask covering can help. Also, no one smiles anymore—because 2020—so there’s nothing really creasing. Bonus!

9. Keep your ugly smile under wraps. Spent years ashamed of your gap-tooth grin or your crowded teeth? Who cares?! No one but you can see them now.

10. You can skip brushing your teeth. We highly encourage dental hygiene but you can’t ignore the freedom that comes with wearing a mask all day. If you don’t feel like brushing this morning, you don’t have to. People will be none the wiser to your stinky breath and tartar build-up. (Gross!)

11. Hide your zits. Whether it’s maskne you’re concealing or a gnarly hormonal breakout you don’t want anyone to see, a mask will cover your pimples.

12. Guys, you can effectively stop shaving. Here’s your chance to grow the awful porn ‘stache you’ve been contemplating for years.

13. Make kissy faces at someone or secretly flick your tongue at your crush. Whatever your mating call is, do it without penalty. But hands off, k?

14. Hide your herpes! No comment.

15. Resting bitch face in peace. Throw all the shade you want because no one will see.

16. No one will see the Invisalign you are self-conscious about. Now’s the time to pull the trigger on adult braces.

17. Staying healthy! A mask protects you from others and others from you. It’s like a life condom. Embrace it.

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