We’re not recommending you judge a book by its cover, but there are certain classic San Francisco men you’re bound to run into. There’s not a dive bar or app launch where you won’t spot at least one of the following gentlemen.
1. Top bun guy
Hey girl. Top bun guy is really sensitive to your needs, wears fitted pants and takes more time on his updo than you do. Top bun guy’s name might be Micah. He waits in line for Blue Bottle Coffee and refers to anyone wearing a name tag by their name. Top bun guy carries a Moleskine notebook filled with sketches and compliments strangers on their bicycles. Top bun guy doesn’t have a cell phone, but he totally doesn’t judge your iPhone 6 Plus. He just want to talk about your feelings for a few hours, no pressure.
2. Marina Bro
Popped collars might be a cliche, but they’re still clutch in the Marina. Led by their king, Gavin Newsom, the Marina Bros frequent the bars of Union Street and the ladies of Lululemon. They’re notorious for trashing Fort Mason, talking about being members of The Guardsmen and never venturing south of Geary Street. Marina Bros aren’t all bad in the same way Zac Efron movies aren’t all bad.
3. “I work in finance” guy
Finance guy has a really complicated job that you probably wouldn’t understand. He has product in his hair and has owned a briefcase since he graduated high school. Finance guy always knows what time it is everywhere else on the planet because of his important business dealings, which he references often. He spends a lot of time at Wayfare Tavern and getting his shoes shined like it’s 1927.
4. Angry tech worker
Nothing is worse than being misunderstood. Angry tech guy might be a 25-year-old millionaire who gets to wear sweats to work, but he’s really hurt that the media has vilified the entire Bay Area technology workforce. Sure, he had to kick a family out of their rent-controlled apartment so that he could expand his vintage arcade game room, and because he’s willing to spend $7 on a taco, you now do, too. But he’s just here to take advantage of the tech boom like everyone else—and will you please invite him to your party?
5. Townie
You can’t fault anyone for loving the City, but some people take it too far. This San Franciscan was born here and will never shut up about it. He references the Sunset District, as if anyone ever goes there, and knows every single bartender at every single bar no one’s ever heard of. There are perks to hanging with a Townie, however. He knows a few cops in the neighborhood, he gets free shots at old man watering holes, and his parents will let you use their washing machine.
6. The Activist
A man who gets riled up at the mention of just about any political issue, the Activist is on the front lines with a bullhorn and a desire to get arrested. His nights are busy marching through Oakland, and his days are spent organizing anti-Twitter rallies through the use of Twitter. The Activist is very earnest and well-intentioned. If social justice means stopping traffic on Market Street for three days, so be it. While an avowed feminist, the Activist will inevitably mansplain everything that’s wrong with society.
7. Burning Man enthusiast
The most annoying man you will ever meet in San Francisco is the Burning Man enthusiast. While the desert event happens only once a year, the enthusiast talks about it hourly at a high volume (while gesticulating wildly, of course). He is desperate to convince you that Burning Man is about art and community instead of sex and shrooms.