Unless you're currently residing on a remote island with no contact with the world at large (can we join?), you have by now considered taking a day off work to visit April the giraffe at Animal Adventure Park in upstate New York.
April, who has (supposedly) been in labor since February 22, is getting ready to give birth to her fourth calf and the park is streaming the entire affair on the Internet, much to the delight of full-time employees required to sit in front of a screen all day.
It has now officially been 14 days since the beginning of her labor and, at least to our inexpert eyes, April doesn't seem to be any closer to giving birth. We, therefore, took it upon ourselves to do some research about giraffes' birthing process and found that the animals deliver standing up, that newborn calves actually fall five feet to the ground and start walking within ten minutes of their birth. But all of that research eventually led us back to April herself, for whom we have a ton of questions:
1. Is this never-ending labor physically hurting you?
2. Clearly, you’ll be dealing with some post-partum stress. How do giraffes usually cope with that?
3. Did it take this long for you to deliver the other three calves?
4. Are you feeling as impatient as I am feeling?
5. Is it normal for a giraffe to be in labor for two weeks?!
6. Are the vets giving you something to prevent you from giving birth, to drive up views to the live stream?
7. Would letting you out of your cage help you push the calf out?
8. Are you mad at your partner, Oliver, for impregnating you and therefore causing you to experience this seemingly endless labor?
9. Speaking of Oliver, how is he treating you during this nerve-racking time?
10. Have you and Oliver gotten into any stress-induced arguments yet?
11. What's the first thing you want to do as soon as baby April (or baby Oliver?) is out?
12. Do you know what you're having?
13. Is this a hoax?
14. How do you scratch your back?
15. Since you've already been through this three times: How does it feel to give birth to a calf that's six feet tall?
16. Are you really pregnant?