The best items on the IHOP menu, ranked from worst to best

Have you ever had one of those hangovers that just begs for grease? If you find yourself in this predicament, I’ll humbly suggest the spicy poblano Benedict. The shredded beef is not what I’d call “lean,” and when stacked under eggs and hollandaise sauce, your mouth gets a nice coating of fat before you can even chew. The English muffin is a nice afterthought, but unless you ask for it double toasted, all it adds is carby mush.

Price: $13.49

Calories: 890

Order with: Several sides of hot sauce. “Spicy” is false advertising, as I’ve had glasses of milk that packed more of a punch.

Sometimes a dish announces itself before it arrives at your table, like fajitas at a Mexican restaurant. This chicken biscuit sandwich does the same, but with the overwhelming smell of fresh fryer grease wafting into your nose. This is what happens when you throw hash browns inside a chicken biscuit and serve it with a side of fries. The sandwich relies a little too heavily on the sausage gravy for flavor and texture. The biscuit’s a little dry, the chicken breast bland, and the bite as a whole underwhelming.

Price: $12.99

Calories: 1110

Order with: A side of fresh fruit. It cuts the grease, which is plentiful, and adds a hint of melon to the aroma.

When I ordered the steak sirloin tips, the waitress showed me the most excitement I’d seen out of her all afternoon. “Oh, I’m SO glad you ordered this one!” she said. “It’s our most popular.” I was excited until she brought out a bottle of A1. “People always ask for this,” she told me. After trying said steak tips, I understand why. Not that I was expecting Capital Grille with pancakes, but the meat was flavorless, taking on the same generic grill flavor as every other meat that comes out of the IHOP kitchen. The mushy mashed potatoes didn’t help much, and this dish reminded me more of hospital food than something you’d find at a restaurant.

Price: $14.99

Calories: 510 (without sides)

Order with: Broccoli for all three sides. It was the lone bright spot on this plate, full of flavor and better than the beef. Also, it’s healthy!

Remember when IHOP changed its name to IHOB for, like, a week to promote its hamburgers? That was weird. Even weirder when you try the burgers and realize they’re nothing spectacular. I wouldn’t go so far as to call them an afterthought, but since the kitchen is limited to its flat top grill, the burger can only be so good. The Cowboy BBQ does the most with the least, adding delicious hickory-smoked breakfast bacon on top, with cheese and a fried onion ring. There’s a lot going on with both flavor and texture, and this is the lone burger on the menu that could hold its own at a place that’s not open 24 hours.

Price: $13.79

Calories: 1080

Order with: The four cheese blend instead of American. The flavors in the burger are complex, by IHOP standards, and the four-cheese blend does more for it.

As a whole, IHOP’s waffles suffer from a bit of a dryness problem, only slightly solved by dousing them in syrup. Once texture goes out the window, we’re left with flavor as our only metric, and the Oreo Cookie waffle wins out. It’s another of those things your brain won’t let you stop eating, the addictive mix of chocolate and cream pulling your hand back towards the plate even after you swear you’ll stop. It scratches the sweet tooth itch and then some, and for those who love Oreos, this is a must-get.

Price: $11.29

Calories: 980

Order with: Strawberries and the strawberry sauce they put on the French toast. It gives the waffle a hint of moisture, and who doesn’t love strawberries and chocolate?

This is the catch-all, be-all, end-all of IHOP breakfast orders, a little bit of everything with some pancakes on the side. The meats are freshly grilled, and I’d put them on par with stuff from any diner or counter-service spot. The breakfast sampler is nothing gourmet, but the meat doesn’t taste overly processed or frozen, and you’ll walk away satisfied. The hash browns take on a little too much of the grill’s flavor, and need some hot sauce to mask it. Otherwise, this is the kind of dish where your expectations are neither disappointed nor exceeded.

Price: $14.49

Calories: 1080-1170

Order with: The protein pancakes. You’ll get your entire day’s worth of protein in before 3am.

Rather than breaking down which of IHOP’s standard fried appetizers is best, my advice to you is just order them all. The price difference isn’t much, and it gives your bleary-eyed group a chance to try a little of everything. Nothing on this plate is knocking your socks off, but when served hot is every bit the satisfying bar food experience you’re looking for. The chicken tenders are probably the best thing on the plate, whole chicken breast pieces with a peppery breading that seem made to be put atop waffles.

Price: $11.79

Calories: 1500-1530

Order with: A waffle on the side. Now you’ve got an app platter AND chicken and waffles.

Imagine you took a Cinnabon, flattened it out, and threw whipped cream and cherries on top. Sound like diabetes on a plate? It’s also IHOP’s cinnamon bun crepe, which fills crepes with cheesecake mousse, tops it with cinnamon and vanilla frosting, and tops it with strawberries and cream. It’s a sugar rush to be sure, but those who love sweet stuff won’t find a better option on the IHOP menu.

Price: $11.49

Calories: 680

Order with: Black coffee. The bitterness tempers the abrupt sweetness of the crepes and makes for a nice pairing.

The spicy shredded beef tacos exist in a strange space between breakfast and the rest of the day, like a barbacoa taco with an identity crisis. The spicy shredded beef is a nice balance of spicy and greasy, and the crispy grilled flour tortillas add a pronounced texture. Upon first bite, your brain is thinking tacos, then gets completely confused when it gets a big bite of egg. The combination’s not bad, but feels too eggy for lunch, and too complex for breakfast.

Price: $1149

Calories: 930

Order with: Giving this one an “order without,” because if you leave off the eggs, this is a pretty solid restaurant taco.

Not that anyone walks through the doors of an IHOP expecting a day spa. But this healthier take on the traditional pancakes uses whole grains like barley, rye, and chia, packing some fiber and protein into what’s usually an avalanche of simple carbs. And as a pancake aficionado, I couldn’t tell the difference between these and the originals. That said, if you like buckwheat pancakes, you might find these a little light.

Price: $12.29

Calories: 660

Order with: The breakfast combo. It’s a great hack that gets you these upmarket pancakes as part of a regular order.

These little potato squares might not have fancy stuff like “green peppers” and “seasoning,” but taken on their own, they’re like little cubed French fries. The simply named Crispy Potatoes are the kind of thing you’ll find yourself mindlessly popping into your mouth, thinking you’ll just have one, then finishing an entire order. The crispy exterior and soft inside are the ideal fried potato, and don’t even need salt to make them delicious

Price: $4.49

Calories: 310

Order with: A bottle of Chalula. If you like spicy food, I dare you not to devour the entire plate before your main course arrives.

IHOP’s French toast presentation gets a resounding A+, the odd menu item that actually looks better on your table than it does on the menu. It’s an absolutely stunning stack of thick-cut bread with colorful berries and whipped cream on top. Much like we do with people, we can allow physical beauty to distract us from some other flaws, and focus instead on how the bread stays crispy, the fruit is fresh, and the strawberry sauce stops short of saccharine. It’s a full meal to be sure, but the most satisfying breakfast you’ll find at IHOP.

Price: $11.99

Calories: 960

Order with: Extra sides of strawberry and bananas. While the fruit is great, the bread-to-fruit ratio is not, and more fruit doubles the flavor.