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29 things that you will realize after moving to DC

29 things that you will realize after moving to DC

Turns out it’s not just like The West Wing/House of Cards/Scandal. Yes, there will be monuments. Yes, you may see Obama. No, Arlington is not just like DC. Here's what else you’ll quickly come to realize.

1. You haven’t visited a museum since you moved here. And they’re free. 

2. The minimum price for a beer is $6. Weirdly, if it’s a local beer, it’s $9.

3. The best live theater you will see is Ben Affleck testifying in front of Congress.

4. Nobody wants your company’s free Wizards tickets.


Nickelodeon/via Giphy

5. You will not find street parking near E Street Cinema. You think you will. You did that one time. You won’t. Just park in the garage. You don’t want to be late for your movie.

6. It’s worth it to fly out of National airport. It’s. Worth. It.

7. If you have friends in Bethesda, they will not go to Arlington. If you have friends in Arlington, they will not go to Bethesda.

8. You shouldn’t have sold your car.


HBO/via Giphy

9. DC Prom IS the White House Correspondents Dinner.

10. You will take everybody who visits on the same tour around the monuments. It will last about three hours. Then you will have no idea where else to take them for the rest of the day.

11. You don’t even know who your home town Congressman is, even though you might’ve just had a beer with him at Cap Lounge.

12. You are probably not the smartest person in the room. But you are definitely not the dorkiest person in the room.


via Giphy

13. Every new restaurant on 14th Street actually looks and tastes the same.

14. Calling the people who hang out on H Street “hipsters” is like calling the Washington Redskins a “football team.” Brooklyn and Portland have hipsters. A hipster in DC is just a person who bought Warby Parker glasses and wore sneakers to work.

15. DC does have the best cupcake in the world. And it’s in Georgetown. But it’s not Georgetown Cupcake. That’s for tourists and rubes. Mmm…Baked & Wired is the best.

16. Hey, did everybody buy their clothes at Banana Republic/J Crew/Ann Taylor, too?


Warner Bros. Pictures/via Giphy

17. DC public transportation is a joke. City buses are basically Thunderdome, and the Metro is a Disney ride that’s only really useful for people who live in Virginia.

18. That friend of a friend who works for “the State Department” and who travels a lot doesn’t really work for the State Department. They work for that agency that starts with a “C” and ends in “IA.”

19. The best way to enjoy a Nats game is to just pay for the cheapest general admission tickets and hang out at the Red Porch bar. Nobody’s watching the game, anyway.

20. You have no idea what is half smoked in a “half smoke.” Actually, nobody does.


Sony Pictures Television/via Giphy

21. You dominated trivia night back in Kansas. Dorothy, when it comes to trivia, you’re not in Kansas anymore.

22. Lowest volume of work for highest pay? Trade associations. Highest volume of work for lowest pay? PR firms.

23. You are incredibly fit and stylish—compared to the chubby tourists in American flag T-shirts and jorts who clog the Mall.

24. You can buy many buttons and ribbons at Eastern Market. It’s the same stuff every weekend. Why isn’t it cooler?


Universal Pictures/via Giphy

25. DC has one proper dive bar. Dan’s Cafe. Glass of liquor. Can of mixer. Bucket of ice. Slice of perfection.

26. The Native American Museum is totally worth visiting…for the cafe.

27. The rents = Manhattan. The restaurants < Manhattan.

28. You’ve heard of Anacostia. You’ve never been to Anacostia. You will almost certainly never go to Anacostia.

29. Stand right, walk left.

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Comments

18 comments
plumpdn
plumpdn

Dear white people from kansas. i am a black person from NY who absolutely hates DC.  But even I know that DC is much more than the neighborhoods you have gentrified.  Each time you publish a "DC is" article I crack up.  If you never go to Anacostia, have you seen DC?

Joel T
Joel T

#24 isn't fair.  Eastern Market is a great way to spend an afternoon.  Some vendors (like me) have been there a while.  Some are new.  It's always changing... (Read: Not the same stuff every time.)  Go there, have brunch at Tunnicliff's, enjoy a tasty $5 Bloody Mary, and check out my art, directly across from where you're sitting on 7th st.  I debut new paintings (not buttons and ribbons) nearly every weekend!   :)  joeltraylor.com

Mark K
Mark K

Was this written by a child?


No. I know children smarter than this.


I lived in and near DC for years. I could have challenged everything in this list within my first two weeks of living in DC. 


Stop being a spoiled so-and-so who expects all of life's answers to be handed to you on a silver platter. Grow up and get to know your city.  If you can't find anything to challenge your complaints odds are the problem is YOU and not DC. And this is coming from a guy who didn't particularly like DC. I had my problems with that town, but this list...?


It's just mind numbingly stupid.

Nate P
Nate P

You can't list Dan's as the only proper dive bar and not list Stan's!  Seriously, you guys need to dive harder. 

Kate L
Kate L

"29 things white people under 29 will realize after moving to DC"

Kate L
Kate L

This sucks. How long have you lived in DC 2 months? (#29 is pretty accurate though)

Aref A
Aref A

This is by far the dumbest article I've ever read and i just lost a lot of brain cells reading it 

Marcus A
Marcus A

Nothing about GoGo music or PG County.... hmm

- -
- -

Yeah...you don't really know DC.

Tous W
Tous W

Most of my friends are white transplants. This list is true for them, but not for transplants of color and certainly not DC natives. 

Shyasia I
Shyasia I

While most of these are spot on....there are a few that are wayyyyyyyy off base.  First, everyone knows who Elenore Holmes Norton is.  Everyone.  Kennedy Center, Arena Stage.....live theater.....Ben Affleck testifying....not so much.  BR, J Crew and Anne Taylor.....J Crew is still in business?  Haven't been in one since college.  However, maybe its a demographic thing....but certainly not an everyone thing.  The Nats, Wizards and Mystics.....buy the cheap seats and hang in the bar/restaurant...not only a better view, but usually a decent cocktail as well.  Best dive bar?  Dan's?  LMAO....they may be good, but most people who live in DC make a conscious decision to go to Adam's Morgan....again, maybe demographic specific.  The younger folks tend to brave the crowds, lack of parking and overall ridiculousness of Adam's Morgan on a regular basis.  Trio's in Dupont, Mr. Henry's on Pennsylvania.....Jazz in Anacostia, art in Anacostia, US Coast Guard, and within a year, the combined offices of Homeland Security....your thoughts on Anacostia appear to be related to innuendo and hyperbole....but then again, keep thinking that.  Its one of the few places that gentrification has been slow to ruin.

Joe P
Joe P

Hey you. Were you actually born in Washington, DC? Or do you claim to be an expert because you moved here, maybe work here, and know others that are actually native Washingtonians? If you have a DC birth certificate, we can talk. 

Jonathan M
Jonathan M

@Jim M @Joe P Yes. It Is. Died laughing. 10, 19 and 24 and 29. But especially 24. How many typewriter keys are still in circulation!? 

Blake E
Blake E

@Joe P
"29 things that you will realize after moving to DC"
not
"29 things that only experts on DC life and people that were born here and have lived here a minimum of 20 years"


Reading comprehension, numbnuts.

Jim M
Jim M

@Joe P I was born here (got the DC birth certificate to prove), been living here for 65 years, worked as a Fed for 35. Wife, all three kids born downtown. This list is spot on. 

J Bernard J
J Bernard J

This list is like #CrimingWhileWhite. 

Most former & current Black DC residents get it. ;)