Dumbest fake New York neighborhoods: Parkwanus, ProCro and more
From Bedwick to Rambo, here are the stupidest Realtor-perpetuated New York neighborhood names…and why we’re tired of hearing about how stupid they are.
Thu Sep 5 2013
If your New York neighborhood has letters in it and sits next to another neighborhood, chances are, some genius will carve up their names like a chop-shop worker and stick ’em together. Yes, the plague of not-very-creative portmanteaus (even that term is insufferable) in recent years shows no sign of slowing down—especially in Brooklyn. We sound off on the biggest offenders. So far.
How it started: This summer, brokers looking to capitalize on Bushwick’s growing reputation as a hipster enclave decided to rechristen this particular corner of Bed-Stuy near the Myrtle Ave J/Z/M stop.
Local reaction: Too early to tell. Presumably, there will be large swaths of eye-rolling incredulity.
Why it’s so damn ridiculous: The speed with which Bushwick went from “East Williamsburg” to being desirable in its own right is startling. Made-up monikers? Not really needed.
You protest too much: We lived in Bed-Stuy. Getting mugged isn’t fun, and you won’t see us whining about the Roberta’s-ization of that corner of the neighborhood.
How it started: Apparently this unloved bastard child of Park Slope and Gowanus began as a throwaway joke on the blog F’d in Park Slope.
Local reaction: On Twitter, it was met with various responses, including vomiting on a keyboard, voluntary drowning in the Gowanus Canal and proposing a citywide real-estate-agent ban.
Why it’s so damn ridiculous: It’s not even catchy. If your mash-up name has three syllables, you’re not doing it right.
You protest too much: This thing would’ve been long dead by now if people weren’t so quick to get on the Internet and complain about it being a thing. Ironic, huh?
How it started: Owing to a hazy apartment-hunting border between Crown Heights and its arguably more upscale sibling Prospect Heights, Realtors have taken it upon themselves to offer Crown Heights residents upward mobility, at correspondingly higher rents.
Local reaction: Predictably, inhabitants seem to resent the pending infestation of yoga studios that fancy new ProCro promises.
Why it’s so damn ridiculous: This catchy name should’ve been saved for something worthwhile, like a brand of super Velcro strong enough to be used on spaceships.
You protest too much: ProCro is still probably the second most badass-sounding of the imaginary ’hood hybrids [see Rambo, below]. We’d steer clear of any gang or even intramural dodgeball team called the ProCro Blades.
How it started: Rambo (short for “Right Around the Manhattan Bridge Overpass”) was the product of a misguided 2005 contest on Curbed.
Local reaction: “ ‘This is ridiculous,’ said Rambo resident David Hahn” is clearly the best line ever written in the Post.
Why it’s so damn ridiculous: It’s absurd, for sure. But honestly, is it really that much more so than Dumbo? Rambo outrage among Dumbonians? Risible.
You protest too much: Rambo is kick-ass. Did you see what he did to those paramilitaries in Myanmar?
How it started: The South Bronx, long viewed by outsiders as existing somewhere between Detroit and Thunderdome, looked to be on the verge of a revitalization back in 2004, when some industrial buildings were converted into loft apartments. Then, you know, Wall Street drove the economy directly into a bottomless sinkhole, and the perhaps misguided plans to turn SoBro into a new artist playground seemed to fade.
Locals’ reactions: Some years ago—probably at the height(?) of SoBro’s meteoric rise—I spoke with some very nice ladies at a Hunts Point community center. They told me, in no uncertain terms, that people there had zero interest in the neighborhood becoming another Park Slope.
Why it’s so damn ridiculous: The appeal of the South Bronx—low rent and decent proximity to Manhattan—doesn’t really cancel out the fact that large sections of it are still terrifying. We’d kick our ass if we saw us walking around parts of there.
You protest too much: I got nothing. SoBro deserves all the scorn and hatred you can heap on it.
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