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How to perfect the 'Irish Goodbye'

Written by
Clayton Guse

The Irish Goodbye, also known as "ghosting," is as tricky as it is fulfilling. The concept: While out on the town, leave your party without saying "toodle-oo" and, ideally, without anyone noticing your exit. 

This endeavor is not as easy as it sounds. There are several obstacles that can stand in between you and an unnoticed exit. But when it's pulled off just right, it's more satisfying than a surprise release of a new Beyoncé album. 

Know your exits 

Upon arrival to your night's setting, be on the lookout for any and all exits out of the place. Side doors at bars and clubs are usually a good call. If you're at an apartment, you might need to get creative. Bathroom windows and fire escapes sometimes work, but be careful not to injure yourself. If all of the exits are littered with your encumbering "friends," try creating a distraction such as yelling, "Help! Francis is peeing on everything." People should clear out to see the false happening because Francis is an asshole who can't keep his shit together. At that point, make your escape.

Keep your coat and accessories close

Irish Goodbye efficiency is known to drop significantly during the winter. Grabbing your coat from a chair or a rack is a dead giveaway, and leaving it on will induce some jerk to say, "Take your coat off and stay a while." Other accessories can be just as hindering during the warmer months of the year. If you're looking to get serious about Irish Goodbyes, you're going to have to give up using your phone as a source of music at parties.

Have your getaway car waiting

The invention of Uber has done wonders for the Irish Goodbye. The ride-sharing app allows you to go from door to cab in a matter of seconds, lessening the risk of your counterparts accosting you on the sidewalk. Be careful for high surge rates, though. There's no sense in paying $30 for a quality exit.

Always pay in cash

Paying with plastic is for amateurs. Keeping a tab open at the bar wastes valuable time. If you're splitting a bill at a table, simply throw down your portion of cash and head straight for the exit while your friends struggle with simple arithmetic. 

Keep track of your company

The single biggest obstacle to any Irish Goodbye is friendship. It's great to be a member of a fabulous group, but it's even better to straight up leave it behind. It's important to keep tabs on their level of insobriety throughout the night. The more drunk they are, the easier it is to escape their clutches. Friends that are smokers can be a huge pain as they usually spend a good chunk of the night lingering around the door. Don't hesitate when you get an opening, or you might get looped into a conversation about "Craig's drug problem."

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