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Other Cubs bets Chicagoans should put money on

Written by
Chris Bourg

According to ESPN, bettors in Las Vegas have put more money on the Cubs to win the 2015 World Series than any other team. This, of course, is a sensible investment because Back to the Future II already told us the Cubs are going to win it all this year.

However, if Vegas doesn't want to go completely bankrupt from paying out all those winnings when the Cubs win it all in October, they should offer other, riskier Cubs-related bets that we casino-starved Chicagoans can gamble on. Allow me to play the role of Sports Bookie and offer up some suggestions to the wise guys:

Over/under bleacher construction completion date I'll set the over/under for this at June 17, with "over" meaning after that date. The Cubs haven't set a specific date for when the bleachers will be done, they've only said mid-June. If they're so confident about this schedule, I highly encourage them to put their money where their mouths are.

How will Jon Lester injure himself this year? These are the Cubs, so it's only natural to think that the pitching ace they signed this offseason to save the franchise will injure himself in some horrifying manner. The early favorite is continued symptoms of dead arm that he suffered in spring training at 2/1 odds, followed by torn rotator cuff at 4/1 odds and freak elevator accident in his new house at 6/1 odds.

Number of children Clark the Bear will cause to cry this season I'll set the over/under for this at 81.5, almost one for each home game this season. I don't know why the Cubs still parade this pants-less freak around. I'm an adult, and I'm frightened by it. I can't imagine kids are exactly embracing him.

Will Kris Bryant hit 100 home runs this year? The money line for "Yes" is -9,000. I'm not sure everyone understands the greatness of Kris Bryant. He will single-handedly save this city when he gets called up. He'll bring Chicago out of debt, put a permanent end to crime and bring In-N-Out to the city. Exceeding 100 home runs will be nothing.

Number of fights that occur in bleachers during the Cubs/Sox series The over/under on this is 20. Remember, the bleachers should be completely done when this series happens! By that point, the bleacher bros should be in mid-season form and ready to brawl with those visiting South Side cretins over any perceived slight. Take that into account before placing your bets!

How many cars will be flipped in Wrigleyville during the Cubs World Series celebration? We've already established that the Cubs are winning it all this year, so let's focus on the inevitable riots that will break out in that neighborhood. Things got pretty rowdy in Wrigleyville when the Blackhawks won the Cup two summers ago, so I expect the Cubs celebration to be like that times a million. However many cars are parked in the neighborhood on that night, that's how many I'm setting as the over/under. I'd be shocked if there weren't any turned over.

Will the world end when the Cubs win the World Series? Yes. A Cubs World Series is the harbinger of the end of times. There are no odds or payouts for this prop, because we will all cease existing when this happens.

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