It's no secret that Tel Aviv doesn't exactly have the most 'user-friendly' bathrooms. The White City's unwritten rule is that the closer in proximity you get to the beach, the lesser the odds are that your bathroom stall will come equipped with toilet paper. Have no fear! The "Pooper's Guide" is here with a roundup of the funkiest, freshest, cleanest, most-heavily Teepee-stocked bathrooms in town. From crazy mathematical equation-laced wallpaper set to Edgar Allen Poe's "The Raven" to a beautiful Buddhist oasis, these toilets will transport you into an alternate state so euphoric, you'll never want to leave (though your date might start to worry).
A "Pooper's Guide" to Tel Aviv
Location: Biggy Z
Pooper's Rating: 3/5 - Amplified by a (road) trip down memory lane.
Accessibility: 2/5 - You try making it up two flights of stairs when you're 10 tequila shots deep.
Aesthetics: 4/5 - While Biggy Z's has taken the extra time to pay attention to aesthetics – painting the Mexican desert landscape not just on the outside porcelain, but inside the actual bowl as well – the combination of all-you-can-drink margaritas and vibrant colors may have you thinking you've pooped rainbows. Nonetheless, props go out for the 'authentic' look, improving the sometimes uneasy bathroom experience with a nostalgic 'license plate' game.
Overall Comfort: 4/5 - Stalls are not too big, not too small, jusssssst right. Plus, if you're caught off-guard with a stubborn 'situation,' each stall comes equipped with its own electric guitar to pass the time.
Pooper's Rating: 5/5 - Though, as a poetry major, I may be slightly biased.
Accessibility: 3/5 - Located on the ground floor, it is easy to make it to the swinging doors of this bathroom; however, the swinging doors increase the possibility of getting smacked back to reality by fellow bathroom patrons.
Aesthetics: 4.5/5 - Mathematical equations line every wall to keep your mind occupied while your body does its thing; Edgar Allen Poe's famous poem "The Raven" accompanies the mad scientist scene; and a framed skeleton sketch ties it all together as a recurring motif to its full-sized skeleton companion greeting you at the door (most probably stolen from a nearby high school biology lab).
Overall Comfort: It's all relative. The crazy mad scientist atmosphere can cause some 'tenseness,' prohibiting nature from running its course. However, once you allow the soothing voice of Poe to win you over, anything is possible.
Pooper's Rating: 4/5 - Their hospitality game is on point.
Accessibility: 2.5/5 - While Concierge's physical bathroom takes the cake when it comes to comfort, reaching that comfort involves a tricky game of maneuvering through a narrow, crowded space without bumping into one of the wait staff balancing intricate cocktails on trays.
Aesthetics: 5/5 - Ever wondered what it's like to take a dump in a 5-star hotel lobby?
Overall Comfort: Much like a 5-star hotel lobby, Concierge's bathroom holds true to its name. From calming red mood lighting to marble floors and counters, gold plated sink nozzles, and even fancy hand towels, you'll get the first-class hotel experience you've always dreamt of while you drip dry in the communal hostel bathrooms.
Pooper's Rating: 3/5 - As a classical music nerd, I felt right at home with the violin concertos setting the mood.
Accesibility: 4/5 - Not as hard to find as Butler, though once inside, the near-pitch black interior can make it difficult to find your way around (...don't miss!)
Aesthetics: 3.5/5 - Once your eyes adjust to the light (or lack thereof), the "confessional booth meets doctor Frankenstein" design creates both intrigue and slight disturbance simultaneously. If you've always wanted to know what it's like to pee in a time before electricity existed, Bellboy's candlelit stalls are the way to go.
Overall Comfort: Drops to a 0 when you go to wash your hands and look in what you thought was a mirror but instead, another face pops out from the deceiving mirror-less divide. An all round rush of emotions.
Location: Diego San
Pooper's Rating: 1/5 - Step through a Buddhist bathroom oasis...and into an interrogation room.
Accesibility: 4/5 - Climbing the stairs to an asian eden makes the hike much more pleasant.
Aesthetics: 3/5 - While the floral arrangements and abundance of Buddha statues paving the way to Diego San's bathroom are aesthetically pleasing, the stark contrast of entering a stall and trying to releave your bowels while a giant portrait of an Asian ambassador (or someone of power) stares you in the face is very offputting. "I didn't doodoo it, I swear!"
Overall Comfort: 2.5/5 - Stage fright can get the best of anyone.