A lot of people think that just because Miami skimps out on winter, it means we have gorgeous weather all year round. Not true.
Yes, while most of America is shivering in a bathtub of hot cocoa, praying for a volcano to burst through the sidewalk and finally put them out of their frozen misery, we’re sitting poolside in shorts. But what we collect in our beautiful winters, we more than pay back in our flesh-melting summers. And in case you haven’t heard the awful news, this one might be one of the hottest we’ve had in years.
So, if you’re among the unlucky Miamians who sweats above a normal threshold (hey!), you’re going to need all the help you can get. May we offer the following advice.
1. Always wear gym clothes so you can tell people you just left spin class or something.
2. Make sure you’re never more than 500 feet away from air conditioning at all times.
3. Be sure to hold your cell phone an inch away from your face, or risk breaking your phone with ear sweat (which, yes, is a thing).
4. Maybe just don’t leave the house until November?
5. Check off every item on our list of Miami's best water parks.
6. Find an even sweatier person and hang out with them for the next three months.
7. Bring a duplicate outfit in case of irreparable pit stains.
8. Deodorant your forehead.
9. Do not RSVP to anything that won’t allow you to wear shorts.
10. Get over your social anxiety and ask the Uber driver to turn up the AC.
11. Take tiny, neck-up showers in your office’s bathroom sink.
12. Avoid outdoor happy hours. Suggest alternative options to your friends, preferably something involving ice cream.
13. Find your happy place in the Publix frozen food isle.
14. Do not live with any person who insists on setting the AC above 75 degrees.
15. These are Miami's best pools. They are cold and wet. Get to know them well.
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