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Funny patent applications

We’re not sure we want these Chicago-born ideas to become reality.

A search for Chicago inventors on the U.S. Patent & Trademark Office’s website finds three pending patents we’re not sure we want to become reality.

THEY CALL ITPet garment with treatment element
The world’s yuppiest pet clothing
“Current pet garments do not provide further features for additional warming or cooling,” write the two Chicagoans who filed this patent application. Luckily, their washable, waterproof pet jacket has a spot where Mom or Dad can insert a heated or frozen gel pack to keep a pampered pup (or anything four-legged, we suppose) perfectly temperate.

THEY CALL ITLiquid crystal color-changing shirt
WE CALL ITHypercolor on crack
Those infamous shirts of the early ’90s could only flip-flop between two colors; this proposed tee, using liquid crystal instead of leuco dye, will seamlessly fluctuate among six—green, blue, black, yellow, red and purple—as your body temperature changes. The result, according to the patent filer: “a vast array of explosive designs.” Pair it with a mood ring for optimal awesomeness.

THEY CALL ITTowel twirling mechanism
WE CALL IT Another thing to lug to the stadium
The issue here: You have a little towel bearing the logo of your favorite sports team. There’s no good way to wave it without the towel sometimes curling onto itself, hiding the team logo. Suddenly, no one knows who you’re rooting for. Happens to us all the time. The solution: Strap the towel onto this rotating handle—which can be configured to double as a noisemaker.