It's pretty clear Chicago is better than New York all of the time, but this fact is particularly true during the winter. Chicago is far superior at handling the season; New Yorkers are just a bunch of East Coast wusses when it comes to the cold. So when our friends at Time Out New York had the audacity to say that New York does winter better than Chicago, we had to respond with these 25 reasons they are completely delusional. Check out TONY's sad little list about New York's winter successes at the bottom of this page.
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1. Our winters are way, way colder—and we whine less about them. More than 20 days of subzero temperatures make us stronger, and we can't even cry about the weather because our tear ducts freeze over.
2. Our winter fashion is more practical. We actually bundle up because we're not a bunch of superficial jerks.
3. Also, it's okay for Chicagoans to be a little chubby. We don't shame one another for putting on a layer of winter fat. As a matter of fact, it's damn sexy. Everybody wins.
4. We have more than 100 public warming centers across the city because we look out for one another. When was the last time a New Yorker even made eye contact with another human being?
5. Our schools have more snow and cold days, which make our children happier.
6. The New York accent sounds like Bostonians vomiting. That goes for every season of the year, but is particularly unbearable in the winter.
7. Our downtown Pedway system gives us a quick and dry way to get around. Have fun navigating through the flocks of tourists in Manhattan.
8. We have better nicknames for our winter weather. The "Snowpocalypse" of 2011 brought lightning and thunder snow (thunder snow!). The "Bilandic Blizzard" of 1979 led to to the ousting of a mayor. We also have "Chiberia," "The Big Snow" and "Snowmageddon."
9. Our apartments have room to store winter clothing. Sorry your $2,000 per month space is as big as our coat closets.
10. We have the cheapest Uber rates in the nation, which gives us an affordable escape from the cold.
11. Casimir Pulaski Day is a marvelous cap to the season. Our Polish pączki are transcendent.
12. Our landlords are required by law to heat apartments at least to 63 degrees during the winter. Your slumlords? They only have to turn up the heat to a frigid 55. That's right: Midwestern nice is written into law.
13. Chicago is absolutely gorgeous when it snows. New York looks like a brown and grey wasteland.
14. Our "El" platforms have heat lamps to keep riders warm. Again, we care about people.
15. Our winter sports teams are better. The Bulls have made the playoffs in each of the past six seasons and the Blackhawks have won two Stanley Cups in the past five years. Enough said.
16. We go to the better (Gulf) side of Florida for vacations—not to mention our quicker flights to California.
17. We can build igloos and snowmen in our backyards. You can't even build a tower bigger than us without help from an illegitimate spire. And you don't have backyards.
18. We don't have mountains of frozen garbage come springtime. We have a little thing called "alleyways" to prevent our sidewalks from turning into arctic dumps.
19. Our winter comfort food is second to none. Our Italian beefs put your bagels to shame, not to mention our superior pizza.
20. Our meteorologists are accurate and awesome. Tom Skilling is a modern-day Nostradamus. Good Morning America's Amy Freeze got her start in Chicago. You have Al Roker—the man who admitted to pooping his pants at the White House.
21. We actually have festivals during the winter. Tomorrow Never Knows, the Chicago Sketch Comedy Festival, Chicago Psych Fest, Chicago Bluegrass and Blues Festival, Theater Week and even a new Puppet Theater Festival keep our city alive during the frigid months.
22. Our ice skating is far superior. We have more than a dozen rinks and a brand new outdoor skating ribbon. Hell, you can even ice skate at one of our chicken joints with a hot, boozy drink in hand.
23. Our river freezes and it's beautiful. Your rivers are perpetually gross.
24. We have quicker and cheaper access to skiing spots. We also don't have the douchebaggery that comes with the Vermont slope scene.
25. We get to be creative when reserving our shoveled-out parking spots. Is it even possible to park on the street over there? Can anyone afford cars?
Now, check out TONY's list of reasons New York does winter better than Chicago.