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33 reasons Chicago kicks New York's ass

33 reasons Chicago kicks New York's ass
Got that, NYC?

Of course Chicago is better than New York. We Chicagoans know this to be true and, if New Yorkers are being honest with themselves, they know it, too. So, once and for all, we are ending the argument with these 33 reasons Chicago takes a Willis Tower–size dump on NYC. Our friends at Time Out New York came up with their own feeble list about New York's advantages over our city. Check that out at the bottom of this list, after you've had a good laugh at New York's expense.

1. This will always be our No. 1 beef with New York: Your city stinks. In Chicago, we put our garbage in garbage cans, which sit in our alleys. This is how a civilized society disposes of trash.

2. People are nicer here. Maybe that’s because we’re not always fighting each other for space on the sidewalk and the train, and over tiny apartments and low-paying jobs.

3. Our cockroaches are smaller, more timid and mild-mannered. Same with our rats.

4. Our football team actually plays in the same city and state.

5. The Chicago El is clean (kind of) and bright (mostly). Your subways are dank, fetid and dark.

6. We have large grocery stores in the city, while you have shitty, expensive, crowded bodegas.

The NYC hipster on the right is aggressively adhering to his trendy lifestyle. Left photo credit: @phampants.

7. Our hipsters are less irritating than your hipsters.

8. People stay in Chicago for the summer because being here is like being on vacation. If NYC is so great, why is the city deserted in the summer? 

9. We can walk right into the hottest restaurants and bars (usually).

10. We have the most beautiful buildings in the world.

11. Also, the best museum in the world.

12. Guy Fieri doesn’t have a restaurant here.

Al Capone was not a nice guy, but at least he never wore velour.

13. Our mobsters are way more dapper than your mobsters.

14. Our beaches are not only beautiful and plentiful, they are quickly and easily accessible from most parts of the city. And you can swim in the lake, with only a sliver of a chance you’ll get infected with e.coli.

15. We’re not in any danger of Taylor Swift moving here and writing an awful song about our city. 

16. Our finance district douches are less douchey than yours. Also, ours didn’t collapse the economy.

Smokin' Jay Cutler vs. Eli Manning's "duh" face. No contest.

17. Our quarterback meme is better than your quarterback meme.

18. Our apartments' big back porches are way better than your rickety fire escapes.

19. The Chicago accent is innocuous, often undetectable. The New York accent is like taking a cheese grater to your eardrums.

20. Our city is clean (see No. 1). In New York, you get dirt under your fingernails just walking to the laundromat.

21. Our work-life balance is much better.  “The city that never sleeps” sounds awful. We like sleep.

Ferris Bueller: adorable prankster. Gordon Gekko: supreme asshole.

22. Our ‘80s movie characters are better than your '80s movie characters.

23. We have the best new bar in America. And the best bartender in the world. So drinking away our cold winters isn't exactly painful.

24. We know how to dress in colors other than black.

25. Our downtown smells like chocolate. Yours smells like...see No. 1. 

26. We can cook a nice meal in our apartments. Do you people even have ovens in those little closets you call apartments?

27. You can see the cast of SNL performing at Second City and iO before they go to New York. 

28. We have only one building that says "Trump."

Gross. Just gross.

29. We treat our hot dogs with respect. They're works of art, not disgusting things fished out of dirty water.

30. Your street fests suck. There’s no booze, no live music and the only things on offer are tweezers and shoelaces. Ours, however, host national acts and have fantastic food and beer. Lots and lots of beer.

31. Buying a condo here is actually possible for a young-ish single person. In New York, a thirtysomething would be lucky to upgrade to an apartment without a communal bathroom.

32. At least our gaudy, awful tourist trap is quarantined on a pier out on the lake. Times Square is right in the belly of Manhattan, and unavoidable.

33. We are hundreds of miles away from the Jersey Shore. 

 

See New York's response: 33 reasons New York kicks Chicago's ass

And our response to New York's response: 33 things New York got wrong about Chicago

Surely we missed some great reasons Chicago kicks New York's ass. Leave yours in the comments.

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Comments

52 comments
Lizz B
Lizz B

This is the most comical misinformation ever read. NY does not smell and by legislation all Taxi transportation in use are electric cars which concludes clean air. The most prestige Culinary and Fashion Colleges are home to NY. The NY cuisine is FAR MUCH BETTER. Nobody cares about the NFL and the "Mob." Really? And using the word mean to attempt to describe a social stereotype is really ignorant and a bombastic word. NY equals racial and culture diversity which Chicago will NEVER have...PERIOD. There are plenty of  "mean people" /citizens who are rude in Chicago, pist off that it takes Two hrs to get to work and that the schools suck, and there are mean people everywhere which someone who truly travels knows.

Ocean over Lake anytime. And a lesson in Lakeography and other sciences for the stupid people on here including the writer misleading readers...Bacteria making lakes unsafe is not exempt to any water in Chicago...They ALL (Bodies of lake water experience this.) Beautiful buildings in Chicago? Zero. Compared to Empire State Building,Central Park zoo, Rockefeller Center, Grand Central Station, and Statue of Liberty, Times Square!!!  NY has no competition. The only thing Chicago is known for is crying that they were the first inventors of everything...when everyone knows NY is! And they whine well! Besides...Every American should see the Statue of Liberty at least Once.

Shane K
Shane K

Hey! Eli Manning has 2 super bowls, what does cutler have? That's right, Zilch! Manning ain't the prettiest, but he's got it where it counts, kid! 

Keke O
Keke O

Wow, just wow New York is a very mean city. We never did anything to you guys! You were the ones that made up Why New York Kicks Chicago's Ass. Well we beat you New York! Just because we built the Willis Tower, you decided to build yours, and make it taller than ours! So New York City can we just be friends instead of enemies. I mean you don't see us making fun of LA. But you guys decided to! Just read Why New York kicks Los Angeles' Ass! How many asses do you New yorkers want to kick! We have new Library's, Star Wars museum, and taller skyscrapers coming to our city. One thing when our city gets under water, in like a long way from now, it won't just affect us but the whole world. It's called global warming did you learn science! 

So New York you say we brag about our city, but when I went to NYC I didn't really like it. I even have some friends who used to live in NYC and didn't like it either! So those who were born, raised, and visited Chicago then moved to NYC which you think is better well we don't care! We also don' t care what you think, and say about us or think we're bragging. So New Yorkers stop being bullies and just shut the fuck up! 😒🙎🔛🗽😾

Jacob M
Jacob M

@Keke O Fun fact: The "33 Reasons Why New York Kicks Chicago's a**" only proves Point #2 on our list is very accurate.  

Joseph G
Joseph G

#13...Take a huge guess where Al Capone is originally from. He didn't get to Chi-town till his twenties. LMAO

Patrick D
Patrick D

Keep laughing buddy....why didn't he stay in NYC if it's so great????

Keke O
Keke O

Why are you guys against Chicago, you're suppose to be for Chicago, that's what the comments are about. By the way you people who used to live in Chicago, are sort of traitors. We like New York City, and the true reason why we wrote this was because the New Yorkers made fun of us before we made fun of them. Which wasn't really nice even dough we didn't do anything to them, we just want to be your friends. ( We're both major cities) 

One thing I would like to say for Chicago is that one in the history book it says that it's home to most of the first ever built things in the world. Like the skyscraper, fairest wheel, and more. So those are for Chicago, see you soon New York City friends.( From Chicago)Bye 😏

Clara M
Clara M

I was born in Chicago, went to U of I for undergrad, Northwestern for grad school, partied there during my young adult years, and I absolutely love my hometown! No place like it. HOWEVER, I have lived in NYC (Bed Stuy, Bklyn, to be exact) for the past 19 years. And I must say, reading this was a little embarrassing. Although I don't disagree with most of these things listed, It felt like little chicken hawk (Chicago) trying to prove its big-badness to Foghorn Leghorn (NYC). Certainly Chicago has a lot to be proud of, but stay in your lane. You will NEVER be New York City. Like... EVER. lololol

Robert S
Robert S

@Clara M Yes, your right! New York City will never be The City of Broad Shoulder's that would be the great City of Chicago baby! The Blue's Brother's sang it best "Come on baby don't you want to go, to that same old place sweet home Chicago"!!!

Robert S
Robert S

@Clara M Yes, your right New York City will never be the City of Broad Shoulders, Chicago baby! The Blue Brother's sang it best "Come on baby don't you want to go, to that same old place sweet home Chicago"!!!

Michael D
Michael D

In summary, Chicago is clean and pleasant.  Sounds horrible.

Tom N
Tom N

"33. We are hundreds of miles away from the Jersey Shore."


Now, now, don't forget your Jersey-proxy friends to the east in industrialized Northwest Indiana! 219!!! 219!!! 219!!!

Jes M
Jes M

Who ever wrote this or the response to NYCs response has obviously never traveled outside of Manhattan, damn shame

Brett P
Brett P

@Jes M If I go there I think I should pack a gas mask so I don't have to inhale the polluted air of New York XD

Sashi M
Sashi M

#9 is completely wrong 

Christopher S
Christopher S

Laura, I implore you to remove #30. The fact that the majority of our Chicagoans like to bath in bear and walk around intoxicated is not exactly something we want to take pride in. 

Ana I
Ana I

As a New Yorker, born and raised, number 15 is all you had to say. However, I would just like to point out that T. Swift happened to us without any consent.

Saoirse K
Saoirse K

undetectable accent, try being an irish girl hearing her Chicago man talk about sahsages and cahffee and cahnsoles, there is an accent there, you lot are just too used to it, ;)

Brett P
Brett P

@Saoirse K At least we don't have to hear fuhgedaboutit or I'm walkin here!

Tim L
Tim L

I love you, Chicago, but I do have a suggestion for you -- compare yourselves to Boston. The two cities with the biggest insecurity and inferiority complex about how they compare to New York should be compared to each other, not to the city that clearly is far superior to both. Make it a fair fight. Leave New York out of your "Which city is second-best" competition. We all know which one is "A No. 1, king of the hill, top of the heap." Just ask Sinatra. He said it best.

Sakuni E
Sakuni E

@Tim L Aww...it's cute how you think you're better than everyone. Too bad your city is going to be under water by 2100. Also, our city flag is about 10,000 times cooler than yours (according to literally all flag design experts).

Tim L
Tim L

Umm, No. 19.....REALLY??? Have you missed the GEICO commercials with the Ditka fans? Undetectable accent? LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. My friends in BBoston say the same ridiculous lie.

Sakuni E
Sakuni E

@Tim L Someone's a little angry...what more would I expect from a New Yorker? Also, you've clearly never been to Chicago. Most Chicagoans have normal American accents (especially if they live in the outskirts). Rarely have I ever heard someone with a legitimate "Chicago" accent in the city.

Gima V
Gima V

I whole heartedly agree with all of these.  I was just in NYC over Labor Day weekend.  The walk to our hotel was disgusting due to the piles of trash on the sidewalk.  I consistently see two or three rats while waiting for the subway in NYC while I have yet to see a rat in the underground portion of the red line.  And there is no way in hell I could have bought a condo in NYC for the price I paid here in Chicago.  

Melanie Z
Melanie Z

Also, Chicago deep dish > NYC paper thin crust anyday.

Eça D
Eça D

6. We have large grocery stores in the city, while you have shitty, expensive, crowded bodegas.


thats racist. 

Tim L
Tim L

@Eça D No it's not. Don't be a moron. You must live in Chicago.

Michael N
Michael N

Having spent plenty of time in both cities.  I can safely say that New York is a giant piece of sh*t.

Emily M
Emily M

The writer has obviously never lived in NYC. Moved to Chicago from there a year ago. Loved NYC and love Chicago. They're different and shouldn't be compared. The writer is using stereotypes from, like, 30 years ago.

Justin V
Justin V

windy c... flappin their gums 

Gavin R
Gavin R

I grew up in Chicago and moved to New York, Chicago I love you, but no, your not better than New York. Im sorry.

Joe L
Joe L

Obviously, someone is a little insecure about their city... 


They are both amazing cities, I live in Chicago because it's convenient for where I am in my life right now...I have a kid and it's closer family. I used to live in NYC for years. If given the choice of either city with no money restrictions I would 100% choose NYC.

Gima V
Gima V

@Joe L That's one of the major points of this article.  In NYC you have money restrictions.  No New Yorker will argue that it's overpriced and difficult to have a decent standard of living on an average salary.  My money went a lot further when I bought a two bedroom condo in a good neighborhood close to the L compared to what it would have gotten me in NYC.

Herbert H
Herbert H

(3) WRONG. To this day, the biggest cockroaches I've EVER seen were in an apartment on the Gold Coast, Lake Shore Drive.


(6) WRONG. We have big expensive sh*tty crowded stores, too. We've always had 'em. Dean and Deluca and D'agostino's--the original 
"Wholecheck" spots. And bodegas are disappearing, being replaced by 7-11s. Actually, we'd prefer the sh*tty bodegas. Character, genuine NYC culture, y'all wouldn't know about that sh*t.

(10) WRONG. "In the world?" C'mon. Get off your own d*cks already. See...This is the real reason you guys are the "Windy City." "Windy" is another word for "verbose, bombastic." Indeed! (You earned that name from talking sh*t about your World Fair.)

(11) WRONG. Whoever wrote this is bugging. Clearly.

(12) You have White Hen.

(15) You have Chief Keef. End of discussion.

(19) When was the last time you heard a real New York accent? Those people can't even afford to live in NYC anymore. Who wrote this garbage?!?!

(21) Again...You're way out-of-touch. This city has slept since the early 2000s, since Giuliani took a blowtorch to every dirty and wonderful thing about NYC, and then Bloomberg sold NYC to wealthy foreigners, forgetting to charge them property tax. Hey...Maybe we do suck...?

(22) "Wild Style." End of discussion.

(23) The fact that you guys support this "best bartender" crap makes you suck. How hard is it to pour a f*cking drink? I don't need whale sperm in my f*cking glass. One bourbon, one scotch, one beer, (A la George Thorogood.)

(27) SNL F*CKING SUCKS. You suck for thinking we care about SNL. The only people that watch that sh*t are...Midwesterners, probably.

(29) They're still lips and a**holes, you jerkoff. We don't trying fooling ourselves. (Plus we love the smell of hot dog water. Which, coincidentally, is the name of my band.)

(33) I'm going to stab the person that wrote this. (Jersey born.)

Monika P
Monika P

An aggressive reply written by a finger-swerving diva in Queens.

Mike H
Mike H

Wow, you really showed them.


Embarrassing. 

David O
David O

I'd love for one of these lists to just be:


Top Reasons Chicago kicks New York's Ass


1. We're not so insecure that we have to make stupid lists about how cool we are.

Jon C
Jon C

@Saoirse K @David O Haha, most of ours have lost their motherland accent, but share many of the same sentiments. :) Enjoy the parade and river!

Think M
Think M

Are you stupid didn't you read that this article was written in response to a crappy article done by a n.y. douche like yourself... He even provided the link Numbskull!

Saoirse K
Saoirse K

@David O 33 reasons Ireland beats Chicago, 1. the Irish Mammy with her words of wisdom and plates full of food with a side order of steaming hot guilt " now eat up, i didnt spend 9 months of pregnancy and 13 ( tirteen ) hours of labour for you to walk around like a waif, ive seen more meat on a butchers pencil so"

wonder if the chicago irish mammies are the same as here............


i got more lol, but am still excited to visit Chicago for st Patricks ;)