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33 reasons Chicago kicks New York's ass

Written by
Laura Baginski

Of course Chicago is better than New York. We Chicagoans know this to be true and, if New Yorkers are being honest with themselves, they know it, too. So, once and for all, we are ending the argument with these 33 reasons Chicago takes a Willis Tower–size dump on NYC. Our friends at Time Out New York came up with their own feeble list about New York's advantages over our city. Check that out at the bottom of this list, after you've had a good laugh at New York's expense.

1. This will always be our No. 1 beef with New York: Your city stinks. In Chicago, we put our garbage in garbage cans, which sit in our alleys. This is how a civilized society disposes of trash.

2. People are nicer here. Maybe that’s because we’re not always fighting each other for space on the sidewalk and the train, and over tiny apartments and low-paying jobs.

3. Our cockroaches are smaller, more timid and mild-mannered. Same with our rats.

4. Our football team actually plays in the same city and state.

5. The Chicago El is clean (kind of) and bright (mostly). Your subways are dank, fetid and dark.

6. We have large grocery stores in the city, while you have shitty, expensive, crowded bodegas.

The NYC hipster on the right is aggressively adhering to his trendy lifestyle. Left photo credit: @phampants.

7. Our hipsters are less irritating than your hipsters.

8. People stay in Chicago for the summer because being here is like being on vacation. If NYC is so great, why is the city deserted in the summer? 

9. We can walk right into the hottest restaurants and bars (usually).

10. We have the most beautiful buildings in the world.

11. Also, the best museum in the world.

12. Guy Fieri doesn’t have a restaurant here.

Al Capone was not a nice guy, but at least he never wore velour.

13. Our mobsters are way more dapper than your mobsters.

14. Our beaches are not only beautiful and plentiful, they are quickly and easily accessible from most parts of the city. And you can swim in the lake, with only a sliver of a chance you’ll get infected with e.coli.

15. We’re not in any danger of Taylor Swift moving here and writing an awful song about our city. 

16. Our finance district douches are less douchey than yours. Also, ours didn’t collapse the economy.

Smokin' Jay Cutler vs. Eli Manning's "duh" face. No contest.

17. Our quarterback meme is better than your quarterback meme.

18. Our apartments' big back porches are way better than your rickety fire escapes.

19. The Chicago accent is innocuous, often undetectable. The New York accent is like taking a cheese grater to your eardrums.

20. Our city is clean (see No. 1). In New York, you get dirt under your fingernails just walking to the laundromat.

21. Our work-life balance is much better.  “The city that never sleeps” sounds awful. We like sleep.

Ferris Bueller: adorable prankster. Gordon Gekko: supreme asshole.

22. Our ‘80s movie characters are better than your '80s movie characters.

23. We have the best new bar in America. And the best bartender in the world. So drinking away our cold winters isn't exactly painful.

24. We know how to dress in colors other than black.

25. Our downtown smells like chocolate. Yours smells like...see No. 1. 

26. We can cook a nice meal in our apartments. Do you people even have ovens in those little closets you call apartments?

27. You can see the cast of SNL performing at Second City and iO before they go to New York. 

28. We have only one building that says "Trump."

Gross. Just gross.

29. We treat our hot dogs with respect. They're works of art, not disgusting things fished out of dirty water.

30. Your street fests suck. There’s no booze, no live music and the only things on offer are tweezers and shoelaces. Ours, however, host national acts and have fantastic food and beer. Lots and lots of beer.

31. Buying a condo here is actually possible for a young-ish single person. In New York, a thirtysomething would be lucky to upgrade to an apartment without a communal bathroom.

32. At least our gaudy, awful tourist trap is quarantined on a pier out on the lake. Times Square is right in the belly of Manhattan, and unavoidable.

33. We are hundreds of miles away from the Jersey Shore. 

See New York's response: 33 reasons New York kicks Chicago's ass

And our response to New York's response: 33 things New York got wrong about Chicago

Surely we missed some great reasons Chicago kicks New York's ass. Leave yours in the comments.

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