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Lightning strikes the World Trace Center, July 2, 2014
Photograph: Sam Yee/Strykapose/FlickrLightning strikes the World Trace Center, July 2, 2014

A point-by-point response to New York City

Written by
Brent DiCrescenzo
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Today, we at Time Out Chicago and our colleagues at Time Out New York took some time to rib each other's cities. We gave you 33 reasons Chicago kicks New York's ass. They fired back with 33 reasons New York kicks Chicago's ass. It was pretty weaksauce.

Here is a point-by-point response to their attack.

1. When we’re up on our various skyscrapers' observation decks, we have something to look at besides Indiana.

You mean New Jersey and Staten Island?

2. New York pizza. We know what pizza is supposed to be in this town. (Answer: It’s pizza. Not six inches of cheese fondue on a biscuit).

Some of us also make fun of Chicago pizza, which is for tourists. Which is why we have options here—Neapolitan, bar, NYC, thin-crust, etc. Options.

3. Our home team's last World Series team picture isn't in black and white. Looking at you, Cubbies!

The White Sox won in 2005, giving Chicago just as many World Series Championships as New York in the new millennium. We have images of it on cellphones. Also: The Rangers suck. And the Knicks. And the Mets. And the Nets.

4. That hot new band you Chicagoans can't wait to see? They've already played New York. Five times. Have fun seeing them next year!

Name one band that has played NYC that hasn't played one of our umpteen festivals. One. You would have had us with movie releases.

5. New York gave the world Shake Shack (you're welcome.) Chicago gave the world Uno's (no, just, no.)

Ever heard of a little local chain called McDonald's? I hear their fries are good.

6. When we go to one of our town’s best beaches, it’s at an actual ocean, not a lake.

Please send us photos of you relaxing on your Manhattan beaches.

7. We don't spend our time at bars talking about how we're better than other cities. We just know we're better.

So you didn't type this list in a bar. Got it.

8. Last winter in NYC was bad. By all accounts, this winter will be bad. But at least our winters are just, y’know, winters, and not terrifying Game Of Thrones-style Antarctic nightmares that freeze people to the sidewalks where they stand.

You act like you're in Florida. The top two American cities with the highest snowfall are in New York state. Also, our city doesn't shut down when it snows. Your trains shut down in snow. And they are underground.

9. Chicago is a great training ground for comedic actors (hello, Second City), but NYC is where they come to make it big time (hello, entire cast of SNL).

So you can see people on a terrible show that hasn't been relevant in decades? See your own point 4 above. We can see them before they're famous, in good skits, for less money. Also, who are we kidding? They all go to LA.

10. Our weekend getaways are more exciting (Hamptons, upstate, pretty much the entire East Coast). Chicagoans escape to...Wisconsin.

Tell us more about your yacht, Barefoot Contessa.

11. As annoying as the MTA may be, the NYC subway is still way more efficient and reliable than Chicago's El trains. Also, we have a better quality of crazy people riding the rails.

Tell that to people waiting for the G.

12. Wrigleyville is not in New York.

Do you hang out in Times Square?

13. Our bars are amazing. Try finding a bar in Chicago that doesn’t have a dozen huge flat screens playing sports—not so easy, is it?

Okay, you are just making stuff up now. You have not been to Chicago.

14. We'd rather take a Greyhound cross-country than risk having to transfer at O'Hare—you know, the worst airport ever.

Three letters: LGA.

15. With the exception of the latest atrocity by Taylor Swift, the songs written about New York are wayyy better than any song inspired by Chicago.

Have fun listening to that goddam Alicia Keys/Jay Z collabo for the rest of your life.

16. Sitcoms based in New York: Seinfeld, 30 Rock, Friends. Sitcoms based in Chicago: Mike & Molly, Good Times.

The Bob Newhart Show, Married with Children, Roseanne are also pretty classic.

17. We have better celebrity neighbors. Chicago just has, oops, had Oprah.

"Ooooh! Anthony Michael Hall is in my Starbucks!" What are you, US Weekly?

18. Our nightlife consists of more than being hit on by drunk middle-aged divorcees in piano bars.

If all you've seen of Chicago nightlife is piano bars, that's your mistake.

19. New York is the art capital of the world. Period.

Chicago is the architecture capital of the world. Period.

20. The only thing worse than Chicago winters? Chicago summers. A muggy Midwestern furnace unalleviated by temperate breezes. Seriously, every morning, you think you're going to die.

Average high/low temps in Jul and Aug in Chicago: 84/68, 82/66. In NYC: 83/68, 81/66. Moisture percentage in those months in Chicago: 62%, 65%. NYC: 63%, 65%. BOOM. Meteorology, suckers!

21. A lot of Chicago is embarrassingly bro-y. It’s like Murray Hill times ten.

Says the city that invented grabbing one's balls.

22. Fun fact: If you were to lay out all of the New York subway system’s track (660 mi) in a line, it would reach all the way to Chicago. If you were to lay out Chicago’s (103 mi), it would only get you to Milwaukee. So…ha! Ours is bigger!

Yes, and you have four times the people. 

23. All taxis in NYC take credit cards. Chicago cabbies still give you a hard time about it.

We all use Uber now, guys. And we have always been able to pay taxis with it.

24. NYC has happy hours and Chicago bars and restaurants do not. Those poor, full-price paying suckers...

Average cost of domestic beer in Chicago: $4. In NYC: $6. We don't need it. 

25. We've regained our claim to the tallest skyscraper in America!

We invented the skyscraper.

26. We have a gazillion free outdoor shows with awesome bands come summertime. They have Taste of Chicago.

We have dozens of street festivals like Do Division, Wicker Park, West Fest, etc. And Millennium Park hosts dozens of free new-music concerts and rock shows in the summer. You should try reading Time Out Chicago.

27. You try getting a decent caricature done a block from your office in Chicago.

No comment.

28. International flights out of NYC airports are usually more affordable than flights leaving Chicago. Upshot? New Yorkers go on better vacations.

Are you guessing? You're guessing. I'd love to see that data.

29. The influx of college grads in NYC is not almost exclusively from big Midwest colleges. This means that in NYC, you rarely have to deal with obnoxious mobs of Indiana U fans.

Tell us more about all those humble, down-to-earth Ivy League grads.

30. Law and Order is based here, giving 75% of our city SAG healthcare benefits.

Dick Wolf has moved on to Chicago Fire and Chicago P.D.

31. Chicago is starving for Jewish culture, meaning that there’s far less encouragement to eat more and marry a nice girl.

You are just hurting the feelings of West Rogers Park, Skokie and Rahm Emanuel, our mayor.

32. Grant Park is nowhere near as nice as Central Park. Or as central, either.

We have many parks from which to choose, actually. Humboldt Park, Washington Park, Douglas Park, Lincoln Park… How many of you Time Outers live near Central Park, by the way?

33. Grand Central Station is a legit transportation hub with good shopping, a Shake Shack and a 100-year-old oyster bar. Chicago's Union Station has…trains.

Actually, the awesome French Market in the connecting Ogilvie Station (the one we actually use) has Lillie's Q BBQ, RAW food, lobster rolls, fresh produce, a deli, bibimbap, Montreal pastrami…

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