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Eight signs it’s time to leave Chicago for the suburbs

Written by
Ryan Nallen

While the city provides beautiful architecture, scenic landscapes, diverse culture and hot dogs, it’s home to a lot of not so pleasant experiences, too. Here are eight signs it might be time for a mass exodus out of the city—at least if something doesn’t change soon.

Taxes. Chicagoans are constantly getting hit with new taxes. First it's higher property taxes, then you have to pay more for someone to take away your garbage, and then it's the gas and water. It's only a matter of time before we’re paying to breathe the Chicago air. If you’re handing over your entire paycheck to the city every two weeks, it might be time to go.

Traffic and the CTA. You're over squeezing into the 5pm Kimball-bound sardine can at Merchandise Mart. No more feeling trapped in turnstiles, no more manspreading or mansplaining, and no more playing “What's that smell?” If you feel your blood pressure start to rise as you approach the platform, that’s a sign. It’s smooth sailing and open roads in the suburbs.

Getting punched in the face. We all know the sad tale of the Whites, the pair of very young and married YouTube “stars” who couldn't make it one night in Edgewater before one of them was punched in the face. It's a tale we all know too well—walking out of our apartments and getting punched wherever we go, whether it’s to pay rent or just walking into work in the morning. In the suburbs, everyone greets each other with kisses on both cheeks like you're in Spain.

Wrigleyville. The worst place in the city? Around 2am it is. If swimming through drunk girl tears and fighting your way through the Drunken Dead just to get that s’mores pizza at Dimo’s has sent you over the edge, maybe you’ll be able to relax more in the ’burbs. Ferris Bueller parade every day of the week, anyone?

Trump Tower. This architectural hairpiece casts an ugly shadow over the city while also being a beacon of negativity. Don’t spend another break downtown throwing middle fingers at the skyscraper.

Rodents, pigeons, and bugs, oh my! We’ve got mutant mega-rats chasing people at the Division Red Line and pigeons flying into the side of your head on the steps of the Riverwalk. If you close your eyes and picture Disney creatures that wake you up by singing in your windowsill when you think of the suburbs, that’s probably a sign.

The weather. Chicago is both a hot mess and an Ice Queen. We either get Death Valley-esque heat or Hoth-like cold, the kind where you might have to ride a tauntaun to work. No more, baby. It's a cool 75 degrees year-round in suburbs like Evanston and Glenview, right?

Crime. Obviously, this one is all too real, as we’re setting records for gun violence and crime in the city. In the suburbs, crime just isn’t allowed. There, if you’re caught committing a crime, you’re automatically sent back to Chicago.

Bon voyage!

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