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If the Grateful Dead tour in the fall, hippies should riot

Written by
Brent DiCrescenzo
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Who knew that people who inspire such good vibes and Ben & Jerry's flavors could be so cruel and greedy? Billboard is reporting that the Grateful Dead are plotting a fall tour. As a second kick in the junk to fans, they're rehearsing with—gulp—John "Fratboy-Orgasm-Face" Mayer in the Jerry Garcia role. The reunited jam band previously promised that the upcoming Dead 50 reunion shows in Soldier Field would be their last. It's right here in the FAQ:

Are these really the final concerts this band will ever perform together?

Yes.

Because of this, some tickets for the Fourth of July weekend gigs are going for up to $35,000. If they renege, that'd be like J.D. Salinger's estate auctioning off copies of an unreleased novel and then suddenly being like, HAHA JUST KIDDING WE'RE GOING TO PRINT IT UP AND GIVE IT OUT AT TRAIN STATIONS. Well, kinda. The band will probably try to spin it by calling the fall tour "The Dead" and announcing, "The Grateful Dead is over, but this is a different band. Called the Dead." We should have seen it coming, as the Dead have already added more Dead 50 dates in the mecca of psychedelic rock, Levi's Stadium in Santa Clara, California.

Look, hippies made a lot of promises to society in the 1960s. They were going to legalize it, spread love, protest the war, bring down capitalism, teach the world to sing with Coca-Cola. Didn't really work out. But here's one last chance! If the Grateful Dead make this cash grab, do… something… Yeah, I don't know. Call a talk radio show and yell? Write the tickets off on your taxes?

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