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New job ideas for fired Bears staff members

Written by
Chris Bourg

The Chicago Bears will be parting ways with general manager Phil Emery, head coach Marc Trestman and offensive coordinator Aaron Kromer after a disappointing 2014 season. While Bears faithful are glad to see the club make the personnel changes, it’s always a shame to see folks walk the unemployment line. Here are some employment ideas for these newfound job-seekers:

Phil Emery — Mayor of Chicago: The Chicago mayoral election is coming up in February, and Emery seems to possess all the traits and qualities that make for a great Chicago politician. He can mishandle funds and spend money poorly (see Jay Cutler's contract). He can let cronyism run rampant in his office by sticking with his guys no matter what. He will settle for mediocrity in all sorts of projects around the city, just like the last four Bears seasons under his watch.

Aaron Kromer — Chicago sports radio host: You may remember earlier in the season that Kromer anonymously talked shit about Cutler to the media. While that sort of behavior may not ideal in an NFL locker room, he would fit right in with any of the talking heads in the Chicago sports world. This platform will allow him to bad mouth anyone he wants, including Cutler, without repercussion. This job will let him spread catty gossip without ever having to own up to it.

Marc Trestman — President of Slugworth Chocolate: Last season, tight end Martellus Bennett compared Marc Trestman to Willy Wonka, but a more apt comparison from the same tale would have been Arthur Slugworth. I mean, there is a striking resemblance:

Maybe football isn't Trestman's calling. Although if he gets into the chocolate business, I wouldn't use the same offensive schemes he used here in Chicago to steal Wonka's recipes — unless he wants to get sacked, intercepted and flat-out embarrassed by a bunch of Oompa Loompas.

That'd be worse than losing to the Vikings.

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