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Other ways to torture Bears players and fans

Written by
Chris Bourg

Dan Hampton has an interesting solution for the Bears' struggles this season.Photograph: Mike Shadle/Wikimedia Commons

In light of the recent controversy and drama surrounding the Chicago Bears organization, former Bears defensive tackle Dan Hampton appeared on NBC-5's Sports Sunday show last night and proposed a solution to straighten everybody out: Waterboarding.

That's right, ol' Danimal suggested waterboarding the coaching staff as a means to get them to stop bad-mouthing players behind their backs and make them coach better.

Personally I think this is a terrific idea. As we all know, torture is a proven, effective method for getting information out of people and forcing them to act in the way you want them to. In lieu of hiring new coaches or getting better players, waterboarding would be a great way to get the Bears to stop sucking.

But why stop at waterboarding coaches? I say we apply various different torture techniques on players and fans too. Here's what we should do to certain people:

Chris Conte: Tie him to a horse and let it drag him across town, not unlike how he gets dragged up and down the field by receivers every week.

Jay Cutler: Next time he expresses indifference about fan criticism or mounting media pressure to perform better, remind him of the extension he signed in January that keeps him contractually bound to put up with this BS for another 7 years. The mental anguish of this knowledge may actually cause him to, God forbid, care about something for once.

Matt Forte: Continue using him as a workhorse on offense while he remains the most productive and consistent player on the team. Reward him for his productivity and the grueling punishment he takes toiling away on this crappy team every week by low-balling him in contract negotiations and generally showing him a lack of respect from the front office. Oh wait a minute, the Bears already do that. What a wonderful franchise this is.

Brandon Marshall: Take away his Twitter and don't allow him on TV anymore, even for press conferences. The dude might starve to death from the lack of attention this would cause.      

Fans: In addition to being exposed to this clown-show of a team, fans will be treated at the end of every game to highlights of Aaron Rodgers lighting up defenses at will and smirking like an asshole. However, fans can take solace in the fact that even though the Bears are terrible this year, at least they're not fat, slovenly, cheese-wearing troglodytes who live in BUFU, Wisconsin. So at least we have that going for us.

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