Breakups are tough, especially when you’re on the receiving end. Even worse is when you wish you would have called it off first so you could walk away with the upper hand. Aside from updating your relationship status to "single" on Facebook and hoping your former partner takes the hint, here are some of the worst ways to break up with someone in Chicago.
In an Uber/Lyft: If you and your partner are in need of a state-of-our-relationship chat, save it for your next Uber or Lyft ride. Breakups are always easier when you can get out of the car at any given moment. If you’re trying to save a couple of bucks, save it for an UberPool so you can split the cost of the ride. If you do it during surge pricing, you’re just foolish.
At the Taste of Chicago: Literally lose them in the crowd. If you need to dump somebody, this is the place to do it. With more than a million hungry and sweaty people meandering around, you’re likely to never see them again. If you can’t get them to leave your side, just break it to them while standing in line for a Maxwell Street Polish.
At the Chicago Blues Festival: Head up to the stage and put a special request in for a breakup song with Lil' Ed and The Blues Imperials or whomever is on the stage at the time. A simple, “Hey Jan, this one’s for you” will suffice. There's nothing better than hearing the blues while you’re feeling the blues, right?
At the Chicago Air & Water Show: Enjoy the day watching some graceful high powered killing machines fly through the city. Make sure to take some photos with your significant other at a rooftop party with friends or standing near the harbor in front of some boats. When the time comes, shout it out over the roar of the Blue Angels soaring overhead.
On the CTA: Everyone loves a good CTA story—especially when it comes to seeing couples fight on the bus or train. Right as the train doors are about to close, simply let your partner know it’s over. Just as the caboose is about to take off, stick your head out the door and say, “It’s over. Next stop: Belmont.”
At C2E2: Head to the Chicago Comic & Entertainment Expo with your partner decked out in couple’s costumes. You can go as Jon Snow and Ygritte, breaking the news during a staged sword fight that everyone has circled around to watch. Or go as Cosmo and Wanda from The Fairly Odd Parents and when people ask where your counterpart is, just run and yell, “Timmy!?”
At the Chicago Zombie Pub Crawl: Dress up as an undead person with your partner and drag your feet through the streets like you’ve been dragging through your relationship. Stumble from pub to pub working up the courage to finally break it off (pun intended) in the middle of a horde of zombies. Let them know they don’t have the brains you’re looking for. Also, don’t worry about finding someone new, there’s plenty of fresh meat around.
At Lollapalooza: As you’re dancing to Die Antwood’s “I FINK YOU FREEKY” this year, bust out some super breakup moves. Through the use of excessive arm movements and grinding movements, let them know you’ve been wanting to breakup for the past six months. Then, escape quickly by hopping up and crowd surfing out of the area.
At the Chicago Marathon: During the race, speed up the end of the relationship around the 26-mile marker. Break the news that you just aren’t seeing eye-to-eye and then sprint the straight away. High-five spectators on your way as they cheer you to the finish line!
At ZooLights in the Lincoln Park Zoo: Save some money this Christmas by ditching him or her before the gift-buying begins. Spend the night gazing at the beautiful lights and displays of ZooLights before the dumping. Make sure to take lots of photos while the two of you are there so you can update your profile picture, but just make sure to keep an arm’s length distance in the photos so you can crop them out later.
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