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Photograph: Flickr/Guian Bolisay

The 8 types of Chicago sweats

Written by
Clayton Guse

One thing is certain during the summertime in Chicago: You're going to sweat. Your body is going to emit funky odors on a regular basis and there's nothing you can do about it. Find a cool, shaded place, shovel down a pint of ice cream and get ready to experience these eight types of Chicago sweats.

1. The there's no wind downtown sweat

Anyone who knows anything about Chicago's history knows that the nickname "Windy City" isn't related to the weather. During the summer, the city's downtown buildings sometimes block entire streets from the wind, leaving a hot, stale air that will leave your body covered in a filthy moisture.

2. The El car without AC sweat

You might think that you're in luck when you enter an empty El car during the summer, but immediately after the doors close it becomes clear that the car's air conditioning is broken. Every bodily fluid left on the seats and floor boils, and you're trapped in CTA hell until the next stop.

3. The bicycle butt crack sweat

Summertime is great for riding a bicycle, but the Divvy bike you just took off the rack has almost certainly absorbed the gluteus sweat of dozens of other riders. If you own your own bicycle, think about all of the hot, wet drippings that have been absorbed into your saddle.

4. The sticky apartment sex sweat

Air conditioning can make your electricity bill skyrocket during the summer, so frugal Chicagoans tend to use it sparingly. When you're in the throes of passion with another flesh person in an AC-less apartment, there will be enough collective sweat to choke a mule.

5. The lakefront run sweat

There is hardly any shade along the Lakefront Trail, leaving runners exposed to the sun and all of its sweat-inducing power. It offers a great opportunity to shed some pounds, but it will also leave your workout clothes smelling like a filth bucket. 

6. The dancing at a street festival sweat

There are more street festivals during the summer than one can even fathom. You can dance, eat, drink and groove out in the heat all summer long—just don't be upset when someone doesn't want to go home with you because of your soaked shirt.

7. The drinking on a rooftop sweat

When you're on a rooftop downing cocktails, nothing else matters—not even your hygiene.

8. The spicy food sweat

Spicy food is going to make your head skin heat up. Whether it's Mexican, Indian or any other cuisine that you order "extra hot," your face is going to pour out liquid. Taking a step outside afterward in 90-degree heat will almost certainly leave your face drowning in sweat.

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