Comic timing The man who put the Christ in Christmas makes a snappy appearance on the Lincoln Lodge�s Jesus Clock ($12), a cheeky nod to our Lord that benefits the Lodge�s efforts to bring Chicago the finest in live comedy. A second version sports MC Hammer and boldy proclaims, �Hammer time!� Available at Uncle Fun, 1338 W Belmont Ave (773-477-8223).
Lamestream-media stocking stuffer �Ho, Ho, Ho! I Saw You Masturbating!� and �Chicago Rolls Out Cold-Weather Prostitutes.� The Onion is at it again, this time taking aim at our yuletide obsessions and compiling them in The Onion Presents: Christmas Exposed (Quirk Books, $12.95), a frothy collection of holiday-themed stories served with a razor-sharp (fruit) punch. Headlines like �Nation Struggles to Understand Why Area Pie Didn�t Come Out Right� remind us just how lame we as a country get this time of year. Available at Barbara�s Bookstore.
Yule fool them all Give them what they want this holiday season but disguise it as something they�ll hate with Prank Pack ($8), gift boxes sporting fake labels for the worst presents imaginable, like the motorized rolling pin, the family Blankeez or the iArm, a forearm mount for your iPad. Don�t worry, you can tuck the real gift inside. Available at prankpack.com.