1/23�You know what�s weird? I hate yogurt-covered raisins, but I love Go-Gurt-covered Craisins.�-David Cross 2/23�Excuse me, miss, my penis just died. Do you mind if I bury it in your ass?�-Doug Benson 3/23�When I was 32, I had the tits of a 14-year-old girl. Now, at 46, I have the tits of a woman who has seen a hard road.�-Brian Posehn 4/23�I eat like a rich old lady�s dog�-Brian Posehn 5/23�The Portillo�s Italian beef is the only sandwich I�d like to fuck.�-Nick Swardson 6/23�You know how people say the grass is always greener? I say the mud is always shit-browner.�-Chelsea Peretti 7/23�I said, �This party should have Whack-A-Mole!� And another lady on the party committee said, �I�m sorry. I believe it�s pronounced guacamole.��-Cameron Esposito 8/23�We�re talking about fingerfucking for the kids.�-Brian Babylon 9/23"If you're going to use Pandora for your sexy-time at least upgrade to the commercial-free."-Anjelah Johnson 10/23"You guys, if you ever hear that I was kidnapped, don't call the police. Call Liam Neeson, please."-Anjelah Johnson 11/23"The whole pleasure of Mal�rt is its utter disgustingness. Why do hipsters have to take everything good and try to make it�good?"-John Hodgman 12/23�What�s worse? Wearing a fedora or killing 15 people?�-Chelsea Peretti 13/23�I get a new tattoo every two years, because that�s how long it takes me to forget what forever means.�-Caitlin Bergh 14/23�Oh shit, there is a very fine line between city lesbian and hillbilly.�-Ever Mainard 15/23�I like the kind of girl who looks like she could put a kink in your crank with one kegel.�-Mike Stanley 16/23"You don't have a wireless network, but you look like the kind of guy who knows his way around a Thai massage." -Al Madrigal 17/23"I like the Amtrak, they have a pretty chill gun policy."-Hannibal Buress 18/23"Did people here think I'm Jewish? That's fair because of my name and my face and everything about me."-Seth Meyers 19/23�Did you know it�s possible on Netflix to run out of genocide documentaries?�-Maria Bamford 20/23�I�m deeply uncomfortable with children, so that�s why I send my niece and nephew a box of wigs.�-Maria Bamford 21/23�People say it�s so easy to cook, but it�s not as easy as not cooking.�-Maria Bamford 22/23�All I know are writers, directors and actors. People who walking into a room and say, �I love this space. Is there a way we can make it bigger and smaller at the same time.��-Dylan Moran 23/23�We had a crisis where I live. Everyone ran out of the same organic pesto at the same time.�-Dylan Moran
In some cases, it's really true that "you had to be there," but some of the best jokes from Just for Laughs stand on their own. Check out our slideshow of one-liners from comics such as David Cross, Brian Posehn, John Hodgman and Maria Bamford.
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